


Distractions

by lovingloki



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Angst, Avengers: Infinity War Part 1 (Movie) Spoilers, Fluff, Gen, Grief/Mourning, Hallucinations, Heartbreak, Hurt Peter Parker, Hurt Tony Stark, Hurt/Comfort, Peter Parker Needs a Hug, Post-Avengers: Infinity War Part 1 (Movie), Tony Stark Has A Heart, Tony Stark Needs a Hug
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-07-05
Updated: 2019-03-26
Packaged: 2019-06-05 19:40:58
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 13
Words: 29,109
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15177917
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lovingloki/pseuds/lovingloki
Summary: When Tony Stark loses Peter Parker, he feels lost. During the aftermath, he feels the overwhelming urge to drink his grief and dread away in alcohol, or even to create more and more suits with more and more tech that could save half the universe. But stuck on Titan, Tony feels lost without his distractions.So what will distract him from the heartache of losing Peter Parker? The answer is Peter Parker himself.





	1. the aftermath

**Author's Note:**

> We begin at the end- prepare from IW PTSD to kick in again- prepare for angst!

“I’m sorry-“

It only lasted a matter of moments, but in those fleeting moments Tony felt himself lose just a little more of himself- and it broke him.

He knew he cared for the kid, he knew that ever since Berlin, ever since the kid fought for everything he was worth, for him- the “genius, billionaire, playboy, philanthropist”, that was all he was. He wanted the kid to be better, a better person than he will ever be- and he became just that. Tony was proud- he would never admit it to Peter though, that kid would never have let it go.

But now, what was he? A memory? The ashes that he disintegrated into just to dance away from him?

Tony had grown attached to the teenager from Queens- Tony had grown attached to, yet again, be broken. It was a bad habit he submersed to so quickly. Tony couldn’t hold to anyone in this world, and he especially couldn’t hold onto the boy that vanished from his grasp so quickly.

“He did it.”

He slowly uncoiled from the ball he had wrapped himself into to glance around the planet known as Titan, noticing that he wasn’t the only one left. In one mannerism, he was relieved- he wasn’t particularly keen on being alone in this situation. The person he was never even acquainted with was not looking at him, but merely glaring at the dusty, desolate ground. She looked devastated, in remorse- he found himself studying her, the way she looked so cold and how her dark eyes burned with hatred and a distant look gleamed in them. It wasn’t until they were pouring into his did he finally see something he dreaded- a reflection of the look he bore in his own eyes. It wasn’t until then did he have the courage to look away.

He slowly uncoiled himself and stood up, sniffling slightly and feeling the familiar burn of tears linger in his eyes as tears clouded his irises. Brushing his clothes ever so slightly, he faced the person again to see her unwavering gaze still latched onto him. 

Clearing his throat slightly, he uttered some sarcasm that was always his mechanism in situations, the person has probably seen him whimpering and crying over the kid, he didn’t want her to see him as weak as he actually was.

“You know, there’s this thing called blinking. It’s to- you know, make the other person less uncomfortable.”

She rolled her eyes slightly as she began to move towards some fragmented metal, “We need to get out of here.”

He found himself feeling at the remains of his suit- he knows that he wouldn’t be able to repair the suit to its former glory, there’s simply nothing there. Swallowing back some anxiety, he began to walk towards the ship that he presumed was hers,

“We can use your ship over there-“

“It’s broken.” She snapped harshly, glaring at the unfamiliar man.

He merely shrugged, “I can fix it.”

-

He found himself working on the ship, feeling weaker as more dread and anxiety clambered into his mind like parasites onto a host. He hated the silence, he hated to be alone in his thoughts- and this person wasn’t exactly talkative. Yet, that didn’t stop him from trying to talk to her.

“I don’t mean to be rude, but why exactly are you here?”

She let out a huff of annoyance before turning to him, he would never shut up. But at the same time, she was beginning to hate the deafening silence too. “Revenge- Thanos, my father-“

Tony paused with his tinkering as he shot up, feeling himself heat over the name that he’s learnt to dread and fear so much. He knew that it wasn’t her fault about what happened, but he couldn’t help but feel some resentment. Instead, he carried on and nodded- hinting at her to continue.

“as a child he would make my sister and I battle against each other in training. Every time my sister prevailed, my father would replace a piece of me with machinery- claiming he wanted to be ‘her equal’” she sneered out, as if the words were venom in her mouth. “But she won- again and again and again, never once refraining. So, I planned to murder my sister but- she wasn’t the one who caused any of this. It was my father who did what he did to me- and I wanted to kill him. Slowly, piece by piece-“ she stopped as she felt herself spiral down the dark tunnel.

Tony simply stared at her with sympathy, “Sounds like real daddy issues, huh?” he joked slightly in a failed attempt to lighten the mood. She simply spared a blank glance as she sat down across from where he was repairing some foundations for the ship.

“Your sister, she around still?” he asked as he continued to tinker with the ship’s mechanics. He didn’t notice the way the girl tensed at his words and the gleam in her eyes that wasn’t there a moment ago. It wasn’t until the silence answered for itself did he look up to see something he didn’t want to see, himself. She was mourning, and it didn’t take long to put the pieces together. It was Gamora, the girl Quill went crazy about- one of the reasons that caused a butterfly effect that cost him everything. She was the one who put the pieces together- if only she didn’t. Then maybe-

“What about you?” she found herself asking.

He felt himself pause, yet he still answered, “I found myself in New York, fighting against ‘Thanos’ children’ and going to space on an alien spaceship over a guy who wouldn’t discard a necklace.”  
“And the child?”

He felt tears sting to his eyes, yet he refused to let them fall as he let out a strangled, “Hm?”

“The child you mourn for. Is he your own?”

“N-No, he- um. I mentored him, he- he always wanted to be an avenger… I, uh, told him to go home but he didn’t listen. H-He never listens.” He eventually got out.

She found herself nodding until asking, “Avenger?”

Laughing humourlessly, “It was a name we used to give ourselves. A group of remarkable people to come together when the world needed us to. ‘Earths Mightiest Heroes’, fighting the battles they couldn’t.”

“Used to?”

“Yeah, we disassembled a while back. I can only imagine that we’re scattered. ‘Earths Mightiest Heroes’. What a fucking joke that was.” He scowled.

“Well, I must say- you didn’t do a particularly good job at saving the universe.” She sniggered slightly.

He felt himself feel a wave of cold over him as everything sunk in again, half the universe was gone. He wondered who remained- was Bruce okay? Was Pepper- oh god. If anything had happened he wouldn’t be able to forgive himself. And Steve. The god-damn super solider that had left all that time ago, he wondered whether he was just ash embedded into the dirt or whether he still lived in the remains of whatever was left. As much as Tony refused to admit it, he wanted him to be okay. As much as hatred consumed him, he could never hate the man his father would praise so highly, not anymore.

But he could try.

“Yeah- I guess this was a battle that even we couldn’t fight.” He simply uttered, ignoring the unwavering gaze that remained on his skin.

The silence remained until Tony felt somewhat calm again. “I never caught your name?”

“Nebula.”

“Tony Stark, a pleasure.”

With the silence that followed, he spent numerous hours of desperate attempts to repair the ship that kept him sane at the moment- it wasn’t until the burning glow of the sun dimmed over the horizon did Nebula decide to disturb him to insist that he called it a day and begin again in morning. She too was desperate to leave the planet- it brought back way too many bad memories. But she knew that he couldn’t work on the ship through darkness and exhaustion.

So, slumping down in the leather-furnished pilot and co-pilot seat, the two found themselves squeezing their eyes shut in a desperate attempt to entice a dream-less night to take themselves away from the nightmare that was their reality.  
But one of them couldn’t have that luxury.

The first night after the snap was the worst- even Tony knew that his night terrors couldn’t suppress the nightmare that had happened when he was awake. He struggled to sleep- however the assassin seemed to easily welcome it. He guessed that she’d been through worse. The leather from the seat wasn’t exactly uncomfortable, but as much as he tried- he just couldn’t. Because behind his eyes was always the boy, the boy he didn’t save.

So, he left the- somewhat comfort of the ship to sit outside. He sat on the end of the ship, his legs dangling down the side and his feet barely a foot from the surface of Titan. Tony found himself wondering what he would be doing right now if he was back on earth, if alcohol was around, he imagined that he would have been drowning in the familiar liquor. He craved it almost, he wanted to engrave himself within it so he couldn’t tell where he was or what he lost- but even that poison couldn’t make him forget what happened. He wished that there was some form of it around- it would be a desperate attempt to numb the pain. He was so desperate- but Tony Stark knew that no matter how much he could consume, it would never be enough. He hated facing reality- he had failed. And it hurt like hell.

“Mr Stark, are you crying?”

He froze and snapped his neck towards the direction of the voice. There he was- standing in the iron spider suit that he had created, looking towards the man with tears coating his withering face with a confused expression lingering on his features.

“Peter?”


	2. the boy

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Since y'all are loving this so much I decided to update sooner than originally anticipated :))

Peter smiled slightly- the smile he so craved to see again. He felt himself get up and advance towards him- he reached towards him, wanting to feel nothing more but the metal upon his fingertips and the warmth of his skin but instead got nothing. He wasn’t real. None of this was real, it was all in his head.

Peter’s smile dimmed slightly and turned into more of a grimace as Tony sat down once again, a look of remorse and dread glistened in his irises. Tony didn’t watch as the silhouette of the boy sat down next to the man, hugging his legs to his chest.  
Tony felt himself look over to the shadow of the boy he had grown to become so very fond of and huffed out a sigh. He knew what his mind was doing to him, he was giving himself a chance. A chance to tell the kid stuff he never had the chance to tell. But anger consumed him like a raging fire and he couldn’t help but feel it irrevocably.

“How could you have done that to me- god, why did you do it?”

The words he choked out were filled with the bitterness and distaste that rolled so easily off his tongue. He found him glaring at the boy whose eyes had widened slightly.

“What- why I died?”

Tony huffed and turned away from the kid, feeling the familiar burning sensation of tears welling up in his eyes as he let out a strangled sob as his body shook with tears, “Why did you have to die in my arms, Pete? W-why couldn’t you have gone home to May?”

The Peter that his mind had put together like a jigsaw puzzle stared at him with doe eyes as he smiled sadly, “So you would rather I have died in the arms of May? That’s a pretty selfish thing for you to do.”

Tony let out a choked laugh as much as it pained him, “God, why did you have to be the half that went?”

When Peter didn’t respond, he continued with the thought that had been bothering him, “Why couldn’t it have been me instead?”

“I don’t know.” The hallucination that was conjured to look like the boy from Queens responded, and all of a sudden, the weight of the world crashed onto the shoulders of Tony Stark again as he looked at the kid he cared for.

Tony stared off into the distance once more, feeling repulsed by the way he was breaking so quickly, “We almost did it”

“I know.” the boy agreed- remembering the excitement in his voice as he exclaimed to the group that he had got the gauntlet off. That should have been it, the battle should have been won- but it slipped from his grasp all too-quickly and now it was left to this- dust.

The boy continued, “So what will the great Tony Stark do now?”

Tony found himself shrugging as he glanced back at the only other person he had left. He didn’t want her to wake up to find him talking to nothing- even though it felt like everything at that moment.

“I don’t know, kid, you’re in my head. You tell me.”

“You’re repairing a ship, but what after? What are you going to do?”

Tony found himself lost, for the first time in a long while. What was he going to do after he fixes the ship? Return home to whatever was left, fix his suits- he was nothing without the avengers, he could do nothing. Tony Stark fighting for humanity- and he lost, and he lost half. Half of the universe had to pay, and half of the universe included Peter Parker.

“I go home- I go to Pepper.”

“And what if she isn’t there?”

Tony blinked back tears as he tangled his arms within his legs, “I don’t know. I-I’ve already lost a lot, I don’t know if- if she was gone- “

Tony swallowed down his emotions and turned from the desolate landscape to the kid, “Then I don’t know. I guess I do what I’ve always done- create distractions from my mistakes.”

Peter shook his head, “It wasn’t your fault, Mr Stark. You heard what the doctor said, there was no other way.”

“You see, that’s the thing. No matter what I did, what you did, what he did, what Quill did- we were always going to lose. You were always going to leave, I was always going to be stuck on this shit planet- I know that this is the end game. But what if it turns out it isn’t? What if- what if I fail again? What if I can’t save the world this time, what if we can’t do it again? We’ve already lost, I’ve already paid a higher price than I can comprehend. But it’s never enough, is it? The world never wants me to be happy, never wants me to die, never wants to me to live- “

He turned back to the kid, the kid he would never truly see again- and he felt his chest tighten as a question escaped that he just couldn’t keep in, “Did it hurt? Dying. I know you felt it, um, more than them… Were you in pain?”

Peter Parker sadly smiled, a smile that didn’t reach his eyes as his eyes glistened with unshed tears, “Just a little.”

Tony nodded slightly, feeling guilt rush into his veins. “Come on, kid. Tell me what to do, what would the friendly neighbourhood Spiderman do if it was the other way around.”

“Avenge.”

Tony’s head snapped towards Peter, he didn’t expect such a simple, logical answer. An answer he hadn’t even thought about.

“Remember what you told Loki at Stark tower? That ‘if we can’t save the world then you can be dammed sure that we’ll avenge it’. You need to do that, avenge the world. Do what you promised Loki, who was under Thanos’ rein, you would do.”

Tony nodded slightly, not really listening to the words that he knew his mind was telling him. He knew that Peter Parker wouldn’t know about what he told Loki, no one did. It was a silent promise, to himself that if everything went wrong, if he lost everything- then he would avenge the world. Now the time had come- he had to avenge the world. He just didn’t want to admit it- not yet.

“How would you do it then?” he questioned with a raised eyebrow, taking in Peter’s features as if he was going to disintegrate at any given moment.

Peter merely shrugged and began to stare into the distance, “It’s kind of beautiful this place, in a creepy, eerie, desolate kind-of-way. Wasn’t the worst place to die, I guess.”

Tony froze under his words and continued to stare into the distance. He was right, it kind of was beautiful in a sick way- but the words were still shrapnel in his heart, “I wish it was me- instead of you. If I could have taken your place, I-I would have. You don’t deserve this- god, May is going to kill me.”

“She is.” The boy chucked slightly, returning his eyes to his, “You can’t change what’s happened. This is the end game now- apparently, so how are you going to avenge us?”

Tony rubbed his eyes with the palms of his hands in an attempt to stay awake, for as long as he was conscious- Peter would still be there.

“I’m not sure, kid. There’s not much I can do, I could fix my suit, I could-“, the words became stuck in his throat. Bruce- he would have called Steve Rogers knowing him, that’s what he needed to do. He needed to assemble to avengers again, which was easier said than done. He still felt bitter towards the man. His name was like venom in his mouth, but this wasn’t about him- it was about what was right. What needed to be done. The end game was the avengers assembling, whoever was left- anyway.

“I’m going to assemble the avengers again. I need to find them first- but after that, that is the end game.”

He turned towards Peter’s direction, feeling almost ecstatic with himself that he had finally solved it- but he saw nothing. He was gone again, and even though he technically didn’t have him back, it still hurt just as much. He found himself calling out for him, throwing random objects into the distance as he screamed out in anger and agony. He threw himself against the ship’s walls and he found himself becoming deprived of air. He felt so out of control, he felt so helpless. He had just talked to a dead person, someone who wasn’t even there- he was torturing himself with the idea of talking to him again. He hated himself for it, he hated himself.

“Tony?”

He barely even heard her voice over his own screams and cries, but when he felt hands on his shoulders he felt an overwhelming anxiety wash over him and he felt so vulnerable, but the hands kept him slightly grounded. He focused on the person in-front of him, and he saw him again. Peter.

“P-Peter?”  


“Tony.”  


Peter’s face was soon replaced with Nebula’s, and in that Tony lost control yet again as he broke down into a mix of tears and choked sobs as he slid down the wall of the ship to the floor, wrapping himself into a ball and squeezing his eyes closed. He expected her to leave him, like everyone else would do- but she stayed and rubbed his shoulder slightly in an awkward display of affection, one that matched his own. He didn’t even know how long he was in that state, but she stayed with him all the while. When he finally broke free of the loop that seemed to linger like a broken record, he looked up towards her with red eyes and muttered with a raspy tone, “I’m going to kill him.”

She found herself nodding, “We’re going to kill him.”

He furrowed his eyebrows, “You’re sticking around then?”  


She shook her head slightly at his confused expression with a small played on her lips, “Don’t act so surprised. It’s not like I have anywhere else to go.”

Tony found himself smiling slightly, feeling his anxiety level slightly at the notion that she wouldn’t leave and Nebula felt herself genuinley smile slightly at the thought of having somebody with her during this time, somebody who understood what she was going through. Looking at Tony Stark was like looking into a mirror- she saw herself, somebody who was mourning over a fresh death that wounded their souls and she knew that she needed him as much as he needed her in this moment.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wish I could have hugged Tony Stark in this moment aH :(((
> 
> Leave kudos and comments, loves! :)


	3. the companions

The night was spent willing away the darkened hours until the sun rose upon the horizon. Tony found himself listening to the shallow breaths of his companion and found comfort in the thought of someone being with him in this moment, someone being beside him while he wondered how in the world he would find the team on earth. But with the thought that maybe if even he could not find them, he would have Nebula. And in a way, he would have Peter.

Hours went by until the sun poured into view and Tony found himself working on the ship instantaneously. Peter’s voice lingered in the back of his mind- he had to do this. This was the end game, if he didn’t do this- then how could he live with himself knowing that half the universe died for nothing, that Peter died for nothing? The fact was he couldn’t, and that was why Tony Stark was working on a foreign ship in the early hours with deep bags decorating his under-eyes and a frown etched onto his features.

He could tell that he was close- he knew that a few more hours of tweaking would have the ship ready for flight and that drove him on even more. He wanted so badly to leave the planet- everywhere he looked he would see structures that were so familiar- the place the doctor saw over 14 million possibilities in which this was the one that they won, the place they thought they had succeeded, the place Peter had hidden before the plan went wrong, the place Thanos had almost killed him- the place where he stood when the snap happened. The place everyone left- he felt his heart ache at even the mere thought of it. It was why he had to leave the planet, he couldn’t spend another day there, another night there- he had to leave it behind. He wanted to leave every memory behind here- including the memories of Peter.

He saw Nebula stir merely a few hours later as he sent a nod in her direction. She frowned as she saw him working on the ship again. Even though she had only known the man for a number of hours, he always seemed to work too hard- she suspected that he hadn’t slept, and for some reason this troubled her. It couldn’t be healthy for him to work continuously as he mourned- but she knew that they had to leave the planet, and if him working continuously on the ship could get them off the planet, then it was something she would let pass.

But her curiosity got the best of her- and she found herself asking him questions he most-likely didn’t want to answer.

“You haven’t slept, have you?”

He continued to work on the ship- fiddling with some wires that she had no idea even existed and she took his silence as an answer. The truth was that she was worried for him- she had lived through sleepless nights and worked infinitely for days on end to succeed in revenge, and she didn’t want him to spiral down the same path that she did. She didn’t want Tony Stark to let his anger over-come his morals. He had the right to his revenge, but she wanted him to be in the right state of mind to achieve it. She wanted to get off the island as much as he did, maybe even more- but she couldn’t sit there and watch him work himself to death,

“I think you should get some air, at least for a while.”

The statement made Tony stop momentarily and felt a flush of anger overcome him. She was _sympathising_ with him- she was seeing him as weak from what happened the night before- she saw him as someone who couldn’t handle this kind of thing. But he had- he had handled _much_ worse than this, he would tell himself. He’s mourned before, he’s grieved before- he’s suffered worse than this.

“What- don’t think I’m emotionally stable, huh? Don’t want me getting any ideas with the sharp objects I’m using.”

She shook her head slightly, “No, Tony. You and I both know what I mean.”

He smiled grimly towards her, “No- I don’t, what do you mean, Neytiri?”

She rolled her eyes towards the man, god- he was starting to infuriate her, “You’re not well- mentally and physically. You haven’t eaten, you’re tired- you are becoming weak. You’re merely human. I was only stating that maybe some air would help clear your head.”

He scoffed, standing up and throwing one of his tools to the side, “ _Weak_. You’d know what being weak is though, wouldn’t you?”

She flinched at that comment, feeling uncontrollable anger at the words as they glared into each other’s eyes. She felt a sadness wash over her as the person she had so willingly took a-side to was turning on her as quickly as others would. She realised that Tony Stark might not have been the man she wished him to be and more of the man she _feared_ he was. Tony didn’t comprehend the moments pause, or the way that her eyes glistened with tears that she would never dare to release- he didn’t realise that his words were actually beginning to hurt her in ways he couldn’t even imagine. He was hurting, but he was too blind to see that she was hurting too- maybe more than he was.

So he stood there, glaring into her eyes, not realising that he was making a hurricane out of a gust of wind “I bet you knew what weakness was when Thanos saw it in _you_!”

The silence that followed made it so they could only hear their heartbeats thudding against their chests in a rhythm of anger. His humanity returned to him, feeling the guilt flood into his bloodstream as he broke the glare that he once held into Nebula’s dark eyes and turned around and walked out of the ship.

He felt an overwhelming wash of guilt overcome him as he comprehended his words. God, he was stupid. She was trying to help, and the only person he knew was left in this world would hate him and perhaps even leave him.

He was so stupid, so stubborn- he knew that he should go and apologise, hope that it would make a difference. Instead, he was drowning in his own self-pity and guilt. Everything was beginning to stack up and he couldn’t comprehend what to feel, he didn’t know what he should feel or do- the only thing that made sense was to mourn, but he didn’t want to do that anymore. He didn’t want to believe that half of the universe was gone, he didn’t want to believe that his life was worth more than theirs- that this was the only way to win that this was the end game. But his mind didn’t want him to work that way, and mourning was all it wished him to do.

“I swear, every time I see you you’re either crying or about to cry.” A familiar voice spoke with humour that almost made him forget everything. That almost made him feel okay.

Tony felt himself smile slightly and glance towards where the boy was stood, leaning on the ship with his hair a complete mess and a lopsided smile, “Nice to see you too, kid.”

“So, you’re like in ‘The Martian’ now, right?”

Tony’s eyebrows furrowed together until he finally realised and rolled his eyes towards the kid, “I thought I told you not to make another reference on this trip.”

The kid laughed slightly and muttered a soft “sorry” before walking around a little, staring at the red earth as he kicked some of the dust at the surface.

Tony made a sad smile as he admired the boy’s movements, “You never did what I told you, huh?”

Peter’s silhouette met Tony’s eyes and smiled slightly- a smile that made Tony believe for a moment that everything was alright and that he was joking around with Peter Parker, the friendly neighbourhood Spiderman.

Tony sighed, “Go on, then. The reference- how am I in ‘The Martian’.”

Peter placed his hands behind his back and shrugged, “You’re like Matt Damon at the moment. Staying on an abandoned red planet, surviving, desperately finding a way home. The only difference is that he couldn’t breathe without a space-suit, and he started a potato farm.”

Tony laughed slightly as he took in the kid’s words- god it really did sound like that movie. He recalled watching it with Pepper a long time ago, and by watching he meant complaining about how boring and inaccurate the movie was and that they should have done anything other than watch the movie, “That’s not true- the planet _isn’t_ abandoned, well not completely.”

Peter nodded and leaned against the ship again, “Nebula- she seems nice.”

Tony felt himself silently agree with him, from being brought up by Thanos she seemed the complete opposite and was willing to go along with a random stranger in order to save the universe, when Thanos wanted nothing more to obliterate the universe- well, half of it anyway, “I really screwed up, kid. I always do.”

“So, go apologise?”

Tony met Peter’s gaze, “That’s what you would do? Apologise?”

Peter smiled in response, “Well, first off I wouldn’t have even yelled at her in the first place- second, she didn’t do anything wrong. If I’m right- I believe that you were the one who took everything out of context and created the great fire of London out of an unlit match.”

Tony smiled at the Historic reference, “I always seem to mess stuff up-” he breathed out the words that held more truth than he could ever stand.

“Not to me you didn’t.”

Tony felt emotion swelter in his veins as he stared at the kid longingly, longing for him to actually say words like that to him, “It’s too late, kid.”

Peter shook his head as he began to walk away from him, “Not to her it isn’t. You can still fix this, heck- you’re Tony Stark, you can do anything”

Tony felt his heart sink, “You’re not leaving, are you?”

Peter paused and turned around with a smile, “I’ll be here when you need me.”

In a blink of an eye, he was gone as quickly as he came. This time, Tony felt an odd peace at the final concluding words of the young boy and only felt a few unwilling tears slide out of place. He turned towards the hatch of the ship and entered, and much to his surprise, she was there- sitting on the pilot seat glaring at the ground.

After a moment, she turned to face the noise knowing that he would be standing there. But she didn’t expect to see the guilt wallowing within his eyes and the glisten of tears that wasn’t there before. Another moment passed and the two remained eye contact, however there was no trace of a glare in either one. Then the moment after passed, and then the one after that until eventually he uttered, “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean what I said- I was just taking out some anger out on you, y-you didn’t deserve it.”

He broke the contact and Nebula found herself studying him, cocking her head to the side a little. She didn’t expect an apology from a man like him- she’s been surrounded by people like him all her life, but maybe she misjudged him. Maybe he wasn’t the person she thought he was a few moments ago.

“It’s alright, I’ve been through worse than an in-the-heat-of-the-moment insult.”

Tony nodded towards her, letting out some air that he had no idea that he was keeping in and smiled in her direction, “I’m glad you don’t hate me.”

His words surprised her, “You are?”

He smiled towards her- a small smile that was more than he could muster a few hours ago, “Yeah, can’t get my revenge without my _companion_.”

“Companion?”

“Yeah, you’re like- my only friend at the moment. But I thought we could be companions, you know- like friends who don’t have a choice but to tolerate each other, that kind of thing.”

Nebula stared at him for a moment, “I’ve never had a friend. I don’t do friends.”

Tony smiled sadly towards her, knowing that her life was probably filled with isolation and suffering- having friends was a liability, trusting was dangerous, “That’s why we aren’t friends, we’re companions. Besides- everyone needs someone.”

“I had someone.” She snapped quickly, feeling a sadness consume her.

Tony simply stared off into the distance, staring at the place he had lost Peter what felt like a long while ago before muttering “ _So did I_.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wanted to make this chapter have angst as well as fluff so this book doesn't become a pool of depression, but I hope you enjoyed! :)


	4. the death wish

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> realised I haven't updated in ages and i'm going away soon for a bit. ooPS. hope it was worth the wait :))

It wasn’t long after the confrontation when Tony resumed in his usual position and Nebula in hers. They didn’t know what to say to each other. After the final comment had escaped his lips, Tony simply returned to the wires that called him as he continued to make desperate attempts to repair their only way to escape the planet. Nebula didn’t want to talk to the troubled man, even though she had easily forgiven him, she had not so easily forgotten the remark and it began to scare her at how weak she was becoming. It began to worry her that she even cared about what he had to say, but at the end of the day- she had to admit that she was beginning to care, or at least to tolerate the man.

He was right, everyone needs someone- and she had someone. But now that her sister was gone, she had nothing left. She needed someone to keep her going through the bright and dark hours of the day- and she was beginning to appreciate the idea of becoming a companion to him. At least for a short while.

She began to search through the slightly-familiar ship, looking for anything that could have been of use. It didn’t take long to find what she had been looking for- an obscure hatch with a scarce number of rations and a supply of water.

Grabbing one of each, she returned to her original position of sitting on the ship’s floor and watched as he continued to work in his haze of concentration. She threw the ration to his feet in an attempt to gain his attention, but all he did was spare a glance at the packet and continue with his tinkering. Huffing out a sigh, she threw the water bottle at his head and to her satisfaction, sparked a reaction.

“ _Ahh, shit_ \- what was that for?” He exclaimed with a glare directed at her, rubbing the back of his head.

“You’re being stubborn, you need to eat- I found you some food and water.”

He picked up the packet in what appeared to be disgust and held it up in front of him, “This is food? This looks like something you’d feed a dog.”

“It’s all I could find, there should be enough to last us a few more days, it gives us more time.”

Tony carelessly tossed the packet towards the ground and shrugged, “It doesn’t matter, I’m not eating that.”

She glared at him once more, “You really must have a death wish.”

Tony glanced up at the sudden remark that was almost sneered, “What is that supposed to mean?” he asked before returning to his work.

“You fought against Thanos _alone_.”

Tony froze at the mention of his name, “And?”

Nebula shrugged, “Anyone who fights against Thanos on a normal day has a death wish. Anyone who fights against Thanos with three of the infinity stones is _practically_ screaming for death.”

“I _drew_ blood, I wasn’t screaming for death-“

“-And he _stabbed_ you.”

The memory was still fresh in his mind, and as much as he desperately attempted to supress it, it would always return to him moments after. He hated what had happened that day, he hated this his life was worth more than billions of others, he hated that it had to be him that lived with that. He turned to her once more and nodded slightly,

“You know what, you’re right. I wish I did die right then and there- because every single day for years all I could think about the end game. For years, all I could think about was Thanos and his god-damn army from space and how to save the world from it. Maybe you’re right, maybe people fight against Thanos as a death wish. But I was fighting for the chance, the mere hope that I could do more than draw blood. I was fighting in a hope to save the universe- and when he stabbed me, when I thought he was going to kill me then and there- I was okay with it.” He paused, taking in a sharp breath as his eyes remained on Nebula’s.

“I-I’m _scared_ at how okay I was with it. I guess I was satisfied with the sense that I did everything I could, and that maybe, my death could spare valuable seconds for someone who did have a plan that would work. But it’s never enough- it was never enough. And while I began to bleed out, Strange gave over the thing he told me he wouldn’t. He told me that if it was the stone, my life or- the kid’s life then he would always choose the stone. But he didn’t. He said that this is the end game, the thing I’ve been preparing for years. But it doesn’t seem like the end game- it doesn’t seem like we’re on the winning side.”

Nebula watched him in fascination for a moment, watching him as he let out emotions he had kept bundled up within himself until it all came spiralling out. She always knew he was in pain, pain over the grief, pain over the loss, the failure. She never thought that he actually had a death wish, that he wished that he had died at the hands of Thanos- but it didn’t surprise her too much. She too would have gladly passed in order to get what she wanted, her revenge. It appeared that Tony Stark wasn’t much different, it appeared that they weren’t different at all.

Tony had resumed on his work, tears burning in his eyes and his heart aching at admitting the things that he had been keeping in for the number of hours. He didn’t expect to glance up to see Peter Parker leaning against the ship’s wall, a little behind Nebula who remained in her position, staring deeply and thoughtfully at him. He saw the look he was giving him, and he hated that the silhouette was even standing there, hearing the words that Peter never could. He tore his eyes away from the boy before resuming in his work, hating the way his heart had lifted ever so slightly at the mere idea of him being there. He hated that he was beginning to believe that the boy from Queens was still there. Because he knew that he wasn’t, deep down he knew that the boy from Queens wasn’t leaning against the ship’s wall with a look of concern written onto his face, but a small part of him _longed_ for him to be there, leaning against the ship. So, he decided in that short moment to believe that he was there, that he was there when he needed him.

“ _I don’t care_.”

Her voice broke the silence- both of the brown pairs of eyes turned to her as she sat there, staring at the ground with the same look she did on that dreaded day. She continued, her eyes remaining fixed onto the floor, “I don’t care what you think about whether this is the end game, I don’t care about how you have a death wish- what I do care about is how you’re starving yourself and it’s making you ill. You think that the end game is of you dying of starvation? Dehydration? Would you child want you to do this?”

“She’s right, you know.”

He rolled his eyes slightly at the two of them, “You’re beginning to act like a mother, be careful- you might lose your sinister edge.”

She smiled slightly at the fact that he was joking with her again, knowing that common sense had finally hit him like the bottle of water had to his head. With a sigh, he grabbed the rations and began to eat it, piece by piece until his stomach could not handle anymore of the vile substance and finished the water within a matter of seconds. He wouldn’t admit it in that moment or the next but she was right, he knew she was right all along. He was surprised when he looked up to see that Peter was still there- his eyes dancing around the ship, but he was more surprised to see that Nebula wasn’t sitting in her normal position. In fact, she wasn’t on the ship at all.

A wave of panic surged through him- she was there a minute ago. He looked over the kid who appeared to be in his own little world, “Where did she go?”

Peter’s eyes landed on his and a look of confusion washed over him, “Huh?”

“Nebula- where is she?”

He shrugged and began stammering, “I-I don’t know, um- I think, uh-“

Tony let out an aggravated sigh, standing up muttering “Typical.”, before walking out of the ship with the kid following behind him.

He called out her name while he glanced around the dusty terrain in desperation for the sight of her- and a wave of calm swept over him when he saw her, sitting down where she had stood on that day, the day they lost. He wandered over to her, cautiously as if he was a child doing something he shouldn’t. He reached her and she hadn’t even acknowledged his presence as he sat down next to her, staring at the spot where Peter had disappeared. It wasn’t until his eyes landed on what he so wanted to believe was Peter did he feel the familiar ache in his heart that he was also staring at that spot- a distant look etched into his irises filled with tears that he would never dare release. He wanted to tell him that he was sorry, he wanted to take the boy into his arms and restrict his view from the sight, he wanted to erase away the pain that he held in his eyes. He wanted Peter Parker to be there so he could tell him all those things.

But he _couldn’t_.

Because Peter Parker wasn’t there- but Nebula was. So, with a heart dripping in guilt, he turned to Nebula to see the familiar look embedded in her eyes. “You worried me in there, I thought you had left”

He kept an unwavering gaze on her as she refused to look at him, fiddling and fidgeting with her hands, “I just needed some air.”

She muttered the words in an almost blank voice, it confused him as to why she had been caring not a few minutes ago to turn into this. But he found himself wondering whether he had done this a countless amount of times, unconsciously slipping into the abyss of the past.

“Do you miss him?”

The question startled Tony to say the least, the two of them rarely spoke to each other- to speak about the people they once had was almost an unspoken rule not to do, but there they were- sitting next to each other, ready to open their hearts to an unbearable pain once more, “All the time.”

Nebula remained silent as the words of her sister ran through her mind once more, reminding her that she will always be her sister- the sister she always craved for, the sister she could never have again. She began to feel as if her heart was being crushed into a million fragments, she felt as if she was being tortured by Thanos again- taken apart and put back together again, she felt as if she had lost another fight against her sister, but in an odd sense had won- because for the first time, she was the one that came back on top. She was the one who lived against Thanos’ schemes.

“How do you cope?” She asked him, looking over to the man who was staring at her. He broke the gaze then, as if he was embarrassed, a child caught with his hand in a forbidden cookie jar.

He felt himself shrug as he glanced over to Peter who was staring at him with an emotion that he couldn’t decipher. He could tell Nebula the truth, that he believed that Peter was still alive because he could still see him. But he didn’t want to, he wanted to keep a secret like she kept an infinite number of her own, he wanted to keep his coping mechanism to himself.

“I normally distract myself from the problem. If I was around alcohol- I would be drinking it. If I had the resources to be mending or creating suits, I would be creating them. So, since there’s nothing else, I distract myself with fixing the ship and- you I guess.”

Nebula looked at him with curiosity, “You’ve been through something like this before?”

Tony smiled slightly, “Not exactly like this one, but yes- I’ve been through situations like this. Just nothing this bad.”

“How can I create distractions?”

“You choose something to focus on, like what you want to achieve. For us, that’s killing that titan son-of-a-bitch and mending what’s been broken. But you have to also have something to spend with your time, you have my arrogant ass for now until you get something better.”

Nebula nodded, “What if I don’t want something better?”

Tony paused, feeling his heart lighten at the comment, looking at her with sincerity, “You need something better, or at least something else.”

Shaking her head, she smiled slightly, “I thought we were companions, Stark.”

He turned his head to the side slightly, feeling slightly confused. She laughed slightly, “You know, friends who don’t have a choice but to tolerate each other.”

He laughed at her remark, quoting whatever he had said the night before, “You know, I’ve never been good at keeping friends. Always screwing up, making mistakes- it’s why I won’t be a good distraction for you. You saw what I did a few days ago, I blew up on you- for no reason. Imagine what happens when I get a reason, it isn’t pretty.”

“Growing up as the daughter of Thanos wasn’t exactly pretty either. Trust me, I’ll have seen worse. Besides, we _aren’t_ friends- we’re companions.”

Nebula felt her heart ache less as she spoke with Stark, and she concluded how the man was right, and she knew that he was a good place to start for her.

She stood up- stretching out a hand towards him, “Come on, you have a ship to fix.”

He clung onto her hand as he lifted himself up, feeling the courage to turn towards where the boy stood to find him standing there still, a small smile lingered on his lips and he found that one surfaced on his at the sight.

“Stark?”

He turned to Nebula as she watched him with curiosity once more, he waved her off, “You head back to the ship, just give me a minute.”

She nodded slightly with a frown and she began to approach the ship, but when she decided to turn around to see Stark- she noticed the way he was facing towards a particular place in the distance. She watched him closely- ever so closely, and she swore that she could see the movement of his lips shape words. But Nebula couldn’t decipher anything for fact, so she continued on her way back to ship where she would wait for him- but in that fragment of a moment, she could have _sworn_ it looked like he was speaking to someone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I made this chapter extra long for y'all, thanks for all the love on the story- i'll make sure I update the story again before the week is up! :))


	5. the fix

Tony Stark stood there on Titan in the light of the departing sun, talking to a dead boy- that he was beginning to believe was real. He almost humoured himself in believing the thought, he hated the fact that he was becoming so dependant on the aspect that it would be real- he wondered why something that felt so right also felt so undeniably wrong.

He began to wonder whether this would be his last conversation with him- he knew he was leaving Titan soon, it was only a matter of time- maybe a few hours, another day at the most. He wondered whether the vision of Peter knew that too, a hint of sadness lingering in those eyes that once held the innocence of youth- that now only held the aftermath of war, death and destruction. He wondered whether he really comprehended that his last conversation, his last true conversation, was with the boy disappearing in his arms- where he never once consoled him apart from a simple “You’re alright”.

A lie that seemed to comfort Tony more than it did Peter.

Peter was standing there, the dying sun cast on his pale skin so that you could see every perfect imperfection crystal clear- his hair the familiar mess it was that very day, a smile fixed onto his face where it should forever belong. Tony found himself studying him- figuring that if this would be his last conversation with the boy from Queens- that he would want to remember every detail so he could trace it in his mind and embed it there forever.

With his final comment, he left the boy in what he believed to be the last time and approached the ship. He returned to see the familiar sight of Nebula, sitting in her usual spot- so he sat in his usual place and began his work, ignoring the aching feeling that clung to him like a shadow.

It could have been numerous hours, minutes, seconds- time didn’t seem like it existed anymore to him as the only thing that remained in his head was the work at hand, and the boy he would most likely never see again once this was finished. It wasn’t until Nebula broke the silence with a question did his mind return to Titan and his mind to be rid of all the melancholy thoughts that brewed there.

“What will you do when this is all over?”

He felt himself pause for a moment, “What do you mean?”

“After we kill him, what will you do?”

It was a question he hadn’t even asked himself, but a question he most likely should have. Once the war was over, the endgame- what would he do? Resume living in a desperate attempt to forget the horrors and trauma like New York? This time was different, he couldn’t forget- he could never continue living with the burden of half the world’s blood on his hands. He could never even comprehend the thought of having to wash off all that blood, he could never comprehend forgetting the people on Titan- the way they ceased to exist within a snap.

He wanted to tell her how he didn’t know, how he didn’t even believe that after this was all over, after he avenged the world that he could do anything after it was all over. Pepper was a ghost to him at this moment in time, she could have been dead for all he had known and here he was, drowning in self-pity. It was a very Tony Stark thing to do, he felt embarrassed to even wear that name as a trophy like his dad would have wanted him to. He knew his dad would be so embarrassed in what he had done, what he had become- but he only wondered whether his mother would be too.

Snapping back to reality, he turned to Nebula and shrugged, “It’s what we’re supposed to fight for, right? To end the fight so that we can go home- I don’t even know if I have one anymore. I don’t even know if Pepper is still alive- if she was, I always imagined to maybe buy somewhere like Barton did, have a family- be a dad. I can’t do that anymore- not after this.”

A silence encased the both of them once more as he continued to work, the only thing that offered a little peace to the war that raged within his mind. It wasn’t until a sudden urge of curiosity strived him did he ask, “What about you?”

Nebula shook her head slightly with a small fake smile playing upon her lips, “I’ve never had a home. Now I don’t have anyone left, so once this is over, I don’t know. I guess I try to move on.”

“And what if you can’t, what if you can’t move on?”

She smiled grimly, “There’s not much else left to do, so I keep trying until I find some kind of peace.”

Tony shook his head slightly, wishing that his conclusion would be as simple as hers. He wasn’t sure whether he could find peace after knowing that his life was in that moment worth more than millions of others, he wasn’t sure that even after revenge he could sleep peacefully and keep the night terrors at bay. “You think that you can have peace after you kill Thanos? You think after that, you can be happy?”

She audibly paused and shook her head, a smile played upon her lips, “I don’t think I could ever truly be happy again. But there is a time where you have to stop seeking vengeance and instead rebel against it to ensure that the war playing in my mind won’t create a monster. I think after I kill him, it may quieten the war a little.”

She turned to him, “I hope you will do the same.”

Nebula didn’t want to admit it- but she saw the look in his eyes, the look she used to hold so close to her heart until it blackened and hardened. Every glimmering reflection would mirror that look, the look of the clinging onto the idea of vengeance, making fleeting moments of revenge until you could no longer stand. She was rarely scared, the thought of being scared would have made the assassin scoff- but seeing the look that shone in Tony’s eyes made her feel a little uneasiness in the pit of her stomach.

He barely acknowledged the comment; he heard it, yes, but did he ever comprehend the words? She wanted him to never give in to the darkness that so easily consumed her, consumed Thanos- she didn’t want him to carry on with the war that has raged within him since New York- the never-ending anxiety, dread, adrenaline that followed. She didn’t wish for him to follow it like a lost puppy and to instead, stand on his own two feet and walk away before the wave crashed down upon them. She was scared- the girl who told herself for years that she would never be afraid of anything, not even death, was afraid that the man who cared too much had become addicted to the war in his mind, and that he didn’t even know that he was.

Nebula wanted to tell him the words that could so easily slip out without a moment notice, she wanted so easily to tell him- to warn him, to be a light to guide him. But she would never be a light amongst the sea of black, she would have just been an addition to the darkness. Maybe she wasn’t a distraction to Tony Stark, but he was merely a distraction for her. A light brighter than one she could ever conjure with all the darkness that ran through her veins. She wondered whether Tony had a light too, she wondered-

**_Click._ **

Lights flooded the once darkening space, systems purred to life as with one final click- the ship was in working order again. The two of them remained silent for a moment, until Tony’s face broke out a smile and a breathless laugh followed.

Nebula approached the pilot seat, relaxing into it as she saw that all the system’s vitals were now there, on display- working.

“You did it.” She managed to get out, trying to sound neutral but a dumbfounded tone still evident her voice.

“I did it.” He echoed, a smile lingered on his face as he approached the co-pilot seat. It didn’t matter how his muscles ached and cried for a moments rest, it didn’t matter how his brain screamed for sleep- all what mattered was that he had fixed the ship- and now he could follow through with the plan at hand.

Nebula started the engines, feeling a buzz through her blood as it started and began lifting them into the sky- leaving Titan behind.

Even though she resisted a simple glance back, Tony could not. He glanced down, watching as the features he had become so familiar and repulsed to fade into the distance, a sense of relief rushed through him- but a spark of dread still remained. Tony dreaded leaving Peter Parker behind.

“So Stark, where to?” Nebula spoke, glancing at him as she kept her eyes amongst the stars.

Tony didn’t hesitate in responding, “Earth.”

Confusion washed over her, “Earth?”

The little smile that was left on his features was torn away as quickly as it was placed there, that spark of dread turned into a forest fire of anxiety as his head snapped in her direction, “Oh god, you do know where earth is, right?”

“I think I have heard of the place, I just have no idea where to locate it. Your earth is most likely called something else in space.”

“Shit!” He smashed his fist down on the chair’s armrest and paced around the ship- hands covering his face as he twisted and shredded his features in anxiety.

Nebula repeated the name of the planet in her head in desperation, she wanted to help Tony- but the name just didn’t ring any bells to her. It wasn’t until something clicked did she turn to Tony, “Is it the planet that Quill was born?”

Tony glanced at her, “You know Quill?”

“Briefly.” She shrugged.

He nodded slightly, “Y-Yeah, he was from Missouri or something. It’s that planet.”

She nodded, “We call it Terra. It must be your earth.”

Tony sighed in relief, “Terra it is.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> a bit short but I wanted to get something out since I didn't post an update last week- my bAD. I plan to update by the end of this week and almost have a chapter done this time round, so fingers crossed! thanks for all the love :))


	6. the maybe's

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is the longest chapter I've written so far and i'm super proud of it and I think it shows a lot of what tony is feeling at this moment! without spoiling it too much, enjoy :))

It wasn’t long after that conversation did Nebula insist that Tony should get some rest and that she would wake him when they were soon to arrive at Terra. Much to his dismay, he accepted the terms and settled in the leather-furnished seat and closed his eyelids in a desperate attempt to welcome sleep.

However, as soon as he sunk into the depth of sleep, he soon wished he hadn’t- wishing to be back on the somewhat comfort of the ship compared to the dusty land that he had become so accustomed to.

It was the same place, the same very place he had stood those few days beforehand. They were scattered but remained together in an odd way- the exact way they did before everything went wrong. Tony felt himself gasping for air, deprived of simple oxygen that he wanted to cry out for- he looked around to see them all- the aftermath of their fight.

A fight they had so easily lost.

He wanted to scream- he wanted so desperately to not be there, he would much rather face the horrors of the wormhole in New York a thousand times over than witness the horrors that would face him within a matter of moments.

But in the next second, he realised the familiar grip on his arm- turning to face the boy he had so wished to be there, to feel him again, right there- next to him. He knew he wasn’t real, real being something that the young boy could never be again, but that didn’t mean he was going to shy away from yet another illusion, this one being one to hold again.

“Kid?”

Peter’s eyes met his own, his features were washed over with what seemed to be confusion as his grip began to loosen the grip on his arm. But Tony only gripped Peter’s arm in his own, clinging onto him tightly as if he might slip away in any passing, fleeting moment.

_Because he would._

He furrowed his eyebrows at the action, opening his mouth to respond until-

“Something’s happening!”

The sentence that would unfold horrors in front of him once more left him feeling ill to the bone. He turned to Peter to see the familiar paleness that resonated in those last moments, the way he lost the brightness in his features and the slight glow that resonated in his cheeks. He noticed the way that Peter stood there in silence, avoiding his eye. It was almost like they both knew what was going to happen, hoping to avoid the inevitable.

He wasn’t sure whether he should have told Peter in that moment that he was sorry, he wasn’t sure whether he should have said anything at all in the horrors that his nightmare had conjured. In a sad way he was glad, he didn’t know whether he could hold himself together if he told this Peter everything he wished to have said. He would rather have an unspoken regret than see what his words would do, how they would affect the scene that would pass so quickly and be assembled within his mind over and over again.

It happened ever so quickly, but slowly all at the same time. He could only watch on in fear as one by one, as he remembering crystal clear, ceased to exist- turning into ash that would coat the surface of the dreaded place. He watched in anticipation as the scene was about to unfold. However, it wasn’t as he remembered.

The woman who cried out those fatal words did not crumble into a thousand pieces- she didn’t disappear at all. Instead, she fell into the horrified arms of Quill with her eyes closed from the world and a breath escaping ever so quickly. He couldn’t comprehend the horrors that was displayed for him to see, he didn’t want to accept the fact that it was happening all over again, but in a different manner. He didn’t want to see two different horrors that shared the same similarities and guilt. He wanted to be selfish and look away, turn a blind eye but he was so mortified that he continued watching.

It was- in that moment did Tony Stark really see his legacy, much like Wanda had shown him all those years ago before the battle of Sokovia, the path he had started the world and the avengers on.

The path that was soon to end.

The second was the large man- the one who didn’t listen to his plan, a man that annoyed the living daylights out of him- but seeing him collapse to the ground in a heap and Quill’s pained cries was enough to make Tony be physically sick. He caused this- his life was worth both of theirs. It made him feel sick to the core, the only thing grounding him was his grasp on the boy who was soon to die much like them. Holding onto him made him feel a little ease, even if it was for just a few more moments.

The third was Peter Quill- the guy who ruined it all. He understood why he did it, he really did- he just wished he didn’t. Through a sleepless night, Tony wondered if Quill had acted differently, would their situation be different. Would he have been sleeping in a ship filled with multiple people- Parker being one of them. He would often spiral these lies in order to keep him sane for a while longer- the maybe’s is what kept him going. The maybe’s is what made him think so heavily of Peter Parker, the fate of the world- holding the world within his hands to merely drop it so carelessly. Maybe if he was good enough, maybe if he was the man his father wanted him to be, maybe if he had been so selfless- maybe if he had never begun his legacy of death, crafted those many years the end of it all.

Maybe if he had ceased to exist, would he feel so whole again rather than the emptiness that lingers and whispers him the unspoken truths, the torments, the subtle voices of who he once belonged with, the voices of the people he could never save, _would_ never save.

He remembers comforting the man, telling him to be steady- an unspoken message of how it wasn’t his fault. It was none of his fault that this happened, that this was the end game. But his words barely seemed to have an effect once he dropped dead, the sorrow that he held within his eyes held a million regrets as they fluttered closed. Tony wanted to go catch each and every one, but with Peter wobbling on his legs next to him and burning holes into his skull- he remained fixed in the spot. He wasn’t sure whether he was relieved that he wasn’t going to hold more than one dying soul in his embrace or an overwhelming guilt that he didn’t comfort them in their last moments.

Maybe he should have said more, maybe he should have done more to help with the pain that Tony had to then live with. Maybe if he had just told him that ‘it wasn’t his fault’ he could die with a little peace fleet within his final heartbeat. But the maybe never played out, so Tony remained in silence- feeling the fear engulf him once more as he was running out of time.

He remembers the soft “Tony,” that escaped Strange, hearing it made him felt sick to the stomach yet he turned around regardless. He knew what was going to be said, he repeated in his hazed dream-state for him not to say it, that it wouldn’t change the way he would feel about himself and the consequences of keeping him alive in exchange for something that was of a much higher superiority.

“There was no other way.”

He despised it, he hated that there was no other way. He wanted there to not be just one possible outcome of them winning in the end game, but two or three- one of which him not being the downfall of it all, one of which ensuring that Peter Parker didn’t have to die so he didn’t have to feel like this anymore. As selfish as it sounded, it was true nonetheless. He watched with teary eyes and shook his head ever so slightly in dismissal- no, it wasn’t the only way. It couldn’t have been. But it didn’t matter in the end, because Strange ended up in the same fate as did the others.

“Mr Stark- “

He felt his heart ache at the mere sound of his voice, as if he was really there. His voice was like the warmth of a blanket on a cold, chilled evening and Tony couldn’t help but engrave himself within the sheets, within the comfort of hearing his voice. In this state, he could believe that Peter Parker was really there, holding him as if he was real.

“I don’t feel so good.”

Tony felt frozen, stuck in his very own time loop. He looked over at the boy, feeling the familiar burn of tears enter his iris’ that would never fall. He didn’t want to distress the kid; he was dying. He saw it in his eyes, something he must have missed the first time in those fleeting moments- he knew he was dying, but he didn’t want to accept the fact. And neither did Tony.

“You’re alright.”

A small comfort that barely had an effect on the child who was afraid, so afraid. It was the statement Tony had once said- the only thing he told the child who felt like a son to him who was soon to pass. The night before he had had a dream, a dream so real, a dream that he had a child. It was only in those fleeting moments did he realise that he was living a dream, he had a child- so to say. The closest thing to a child he had was Peter, and he was losing him ever so quickly.

“I don’t- I don’t know what’s happening” Peter rushed, stumbling towards Tony until he was gripping onto his shoulders as if he was an anchor, an anchor for living- when in reality, Tony knew what his legacy was. A merchant of death was a nickname that seemed to cling to him, one he wore so proudly all those years ago, the legacy of Tony Stark plastered onto his forehead- something that blind men could see. Everywhere he went, death and misery would surely follow. Only now had it caught up with it, only now did he see the extent of his actions.

“It’s okay kid, everything is going to be fine.” He managed through audible pain, biting back tears forcefully with a heavy heart.

“I don’t want to go- I don’t want to go” Tony began cradling the kid’s head, rubbing his arm ever so gently as if he was porcelain doll, easy to shatter and break into a million pieces.

“I don’t want you to go either, kid.” Tony admitted, tears began to fall ever so quickly then and the kid began letting out choked sobs as he watched him break down, pain that he was causing him. He took a sharp intake of air before smiling sadly at the kid that laid within his shaking arms, “But you have to, Peter. I promise you it’ll be okay.”

“Sir please, please I don’t want to go.” Peter cried, his grip tightening on Tony’s shoulders as his body began to shake even more- Peter holding onto life a little harder than the others, the only one aware of what was about to even happen.

Tony found his grip tightening on the young boy, the boy who had become a victim of a war he should never have been involved him. His heart ached a little more as he sadly smiled at the kid once more as a few more tears escaped, “I know you’re scared, but I want you to know that I’m proud of you- of everything you did today. You did good, kid. You did really good.”

He shook his head, closing his eyes tightly as if his death was simply an illusion- the both of them wished it to be. “I don’t want to go.”

He suddenly stopped shaking his head to open his teary eyes, his tensed muscles relaxing as he accepted his fate and almost embraced death much like he was embracing Tony. Peter’s eyes met his as he let out a choked, “I’m sorry” before his eyes slowly closed and his body turned deathly cold.

It wasn’t until then did he fully break down, he couldn’t seem to stop the tears as he cradled Peter in his arms in hopes that his face would break out in a smile and that he would make another pop culture reference like he ordered him not to do.

“I forgive you, kid.” He choked out painfully to the boy with his eyelids forever closed to him.

He didn’t break from this trance until a large hand contacted his shoulder, causing him to flinch and turn around- his tight grip on Peter never wavering for a moment.

“You see, Stark, you and I are not as different as you would like to admit.” Thanos stated the words almost mockingly with the sympathy that followed.

Tony’s eyes glared daggers into his, wishing only to cause harm to the man who took away the child that was like a son to him, but remained his hold on Peter, “You and I are _nothing_ alike.”

Thanos nodded, making a cruel smirk that made Tony want to fight again, feeling anger run through his veins as easily as blood, and any good that remained in his heart soon vanished- leaving only a need for revenge that would never be satisfied. Yet, something seemed to keep him grounded. The weight of Peter Parker in his arms seemed to make him surrender to those thoughts, enough to at least make him fight with words.

“That is where you are wrong. You and I are both curses. I am your curse as you are the curse to humanity.”

He wanted to scowl at the words, to retort back- to do anything. But he seemed to freeze at the words and glance down at the withered boy in his arms. A curse to humanity. A curse to Peter Parker. Swallowing down his emotions, his eyes met Thanos’ once more to only to his horror realise who was next to him, lying on the ground in a bloodied heap-

Nebula.

Her body violently shook and quaked under the pain, silently crying as she laid there with her eyes tightly closed. He forcefully removed his eyes from the sight to glare into Thanos’ eyes once more, ignoring the dread that rested within the pit of his soul. It wasn’t until that very moment did Tony Stark’s grip on Peter Parker loosen, his eyes cast down for another moment as he moved some of his messy hair from his forehead and released him from his grip, for what he dreaded to be the last time.

He didn’t know how to tell himself that it was time to walk away, time to stand up and face the horrors that were made for him. He didn’t know how to walk away from Peter Parker as he laid there on the dusty surface of Titan- he didn’t know how he would leave him alone. Peter Parker didn’t want to leave, and neither did Tony Stark. But somehow, he did.

He stood up on his shaky legs, feeling the tears stop as his eyes turned to slits, facing the eyes he had learned so easily to hate.

“Maybe you’re right. Maybe I am a curse to humanity- but I’m not the one who killed half the universe. I’m not the one who killed their kid in cold blood. I’m the one who will pick up the pieces, and I assure you that I will not rest until you are laying 6 feet under.”

Thanos looked upon him in curiosity, a smile remaining on his features. “It kills you, doesn’t it? You look around and you see your legacy. The path that you started your avengers on. Earth’s mightiest heroes and I broke them all as if they were glass.”

Tony nodded, a fake, snide smile spread across his features. “I don’t know what you did on Earth, but I know you won this battle. But that doesn’t mean the war is over. There is an infinite number of outcomes to this mess, and just because you broke them doesn’t mean they won’t repair themselves.”

“I did what I wanted to do, Stark. There is no other mission for me, or you. You’ve lost all your avengers; how can you possibly hope to stop me?”

Tony wanted to remain his composure, something that could easily shatter under the pressure of the most dangerous man in the galaxy, the man fixated at his nightmares. “I haven’t lost all of my avengers.”

Thanos gave a curt nod, “Not yet.”

Thanos turned to pick up the bloodied heap that resembled Nebula. She moaned in her agony, being held in what resembled as a standing position so that Tony could see her in her full glory. It was clear to see what he had done, taken her apart and refused to put her back together.

“Such a shame really, a waste of parts.” He sneered towards her, taking the weapon that he had used to stab Tony within his hands.

Tony felt paralysed in his fear, clenching his fists as he felt powerless to do anything. Nothing he could do would take away the pain, the fear that she was feeling. What was the point of fighting an impossible battle, if it would only cause her more fear and more pain to see the agony he himself was feeling.

“Don’t- please, don’t” He found himself begging, he sounded so small, so weak as his eyes followed the weapon that he had so willingly created.

“You saw your friends die in front of you, Stark. But that wasn’t the worst part now, was it?” Thanos taunted, playing with his weapon in front of him like a toy that Tony could never reach.

Tony avoided his eyes as he watched Nebula quiver in pain, he wanted her to meet his eyes so that she could see that he wanted to do something. He wanted her to know he was sorry that he couldn’t save her like he couldn’t save Strange or Quill or Peter. But more than anything, he wanted to be the one in that position. He didn’t want to live with the image of Nebula in pain, and the inevitability of Thanos killing her as well. He couldn’t bare to even think of it.

“ _Was it, Stark_?” Thanos echoed his words, wanting Tony to finish his own statement. A statement that became a reality, a dreaded one at that. But Tony kept his silence, the only thing he seemed to be able to keep.

It only took a moment, a moment for Tony to feel the agonising pain within his heart again and the sadness that entailed, a scream escaping his lips. Thanos took the very thing Tony spent years planning and creating, and impaled it within Nebula’s body. A short cry, a whimper almost, escaped her lips but it was the silence that followed that made every cell in his body be filled with dread and anger.

“The worst part was that you didn’t.” Thanos dropped her lifeless body onto the ground in front of him, Tony quickly crawled his way over to her as he took her in his arms to feel the deathly cold that surrounded her, something he was beginning to familiarise himself with.

Tony gritted his teeth, biting back tears as he turned his look away from the girl with closed eyes but to the man that had ruined his life. Ruined Peter’s life, ruined Nebula’s life.

“I swear to God, I’m going to kill you.” He growled the words out with as much venom as he felt within his blood.

Thanos turned to walk away, a smile lingering on his mouth as he retorted, “Funny, that’s what she always used to say.”

Tony’s eyes watered as he continued to hold her gently, wishing nothing more than to feel the gentle beats of her heart or the gradual rise and fall of her chest. He instead saw none of that, and with hatred beating with every syllable of his heart, he began screaming. He screamed and screamed until he had no voice let to scream- watching the retreating body of the man he promised to ruin.

In one moment, he was watching horrors unfold- and in the next he was back on the ship- his head snapped up in a haze of panic, his eyes searching around until they landed on Nebula, still navigating her way through space. But she was still breathing, she was alive.

His panic did not go unnoticed though, as her eyes landed on his and a sympathetic look glazed over her features. She did not say anything for a long while, and neither did he. They merely stared at each other, Nebula in confusion and Tony in relief. Relieved that she was still alive and breathing, but he could still visualise the way her body clattered to the ground and the cry that resonated from her lips as well as his.

“Bad dream?” She asked almost awkwardly as she fiddled with some buttons in order to distract herself from the broken man sat in the co-pilot seat. His silence seemed to answer her question and she found herself sighing. She knew all too well what it was like to wake up from a dream that felt too real, to be brought back to either the relief or dread of reality.

“Want to talk about it?” She asked, even though she was still suffering through pain, she had no idea the extent of his own. She didn’t understand humans and how they picked themselves and others back up, how they found comfort in others hearing their issues. From her brief encounter and knowledge of Quill, he always seemed to need reassurance and comfort- from her observations anyway.

Tony shook his head, dragging his hands over his face in an attempt to banish the tiredness that lingered. “No- um, not today.” He found himself muttering before a yawn escaped. He couldn’t remember the last time he had slept at all, and he couldn’t remember the last time he woke up from a night terror like that.

Nebula nodded, returning to what she was once doing and resuming her silence. Tony found himself staring into the blackened atmosphere- wondering where the man he saw in his nightmares was. He found himself wondering how he would commit his revenge, but for the first time he began to wonder at what cost. At what cost would their revenge be achieved? Could he pay a price that high, could he watch that scene unfold and have the consequence of never wake up?

He found himself looking at Nebula, his heart aching at the sights he saw in his mind. He could still see her lifeless body, the cold that resonated from her skin- he could still remember seeing her pain.

He didn’t break his gaze until he saw a flash of colour out of the corner of his eye, he felt his body jump at the sudden movement as he turned his chair around to see what it was. He couldn’t believe his eyes, wondering whether he was still in a cruel dream as Peter Parker was leaning against the ship’s walls, staring at Tony with a small, sad smile upon his lips.

With his heart pounding within his ears and Nebula’s odd unwavering gaze on him, he felt himself smile slightly. However, it soon faded as he felt disorientated with the sudden fact that Peter Parker was still there. He didn’t know whether he felt happy or sad at the sight, but one question lingered in his mind as he turned his chair back round to avoid too much suspicion from his companion.

_Why was Peter Parker still there?_

But the real question should have been, why hadn’t Tony Stark let Peter Parker go yet?

_What was holding the hallucination back?_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> okay don't hate me too much! remember to leave kudos and comments if you enioyed as it is much appreciated! :)) lots of love x


	7. the argument

Nebula noticed how he was acting awfully strange, but she couldn’t place her finger on it. She simply made it out to be the grief and trauma of his bad dream- but even she began to have a hard time believing that.

She began to notice small things that she couldn’t justify. One of which being the way he would glance back every now and again and look in a certain spot, the _exact_ same spot every single time. She also couldn’t help but notice the saddened look that he held in his eyes whenever he would glance at her, the way he would stare at her as if he wanted to say something. But every time she turned her head to meet his glance, he would simply turn away and stare out of the windows.

At the end of the day, Nebula knew that she couldn’t help a cause that didn’t want to be saved, and if that wasn’t the definition of Tony Stark she didn’t know what was.

“So…” Tony began, not entirely certain of where he was leading the conversation. He was attempting to distract himself from all the unanswered questions circulating within his mind, the most prominent one being the boy sitting on the floor of the ship behind him. He found himself glancing back every now and again, almost as if he thought that the boy would disappear once again never to return. But with each and every glance, the boy would be sitting there all the same as his was on the last glance.

“So?” Nebula questioned, her eyes flicking over to his for a moment as she concentrated on the path ahead with sleep-deprived eyes and heavy limbs, something that didn’t go unnoticed.

“I can take over for a while if you want, I mean- you can carry on, but I wouldn’t fancy reviving you. Besides, there isn’t even a first aid kit on this thing, what would happen if you get injured on a mission?” Tony rushed out, his nervousness made words trip out of his mouth ever so quickly.

Nebula huffed slightly, “You die, that’s what happens Stark.”

Her voice was filled with such emptiness at the statement that it made even Tony unsure whether it was dripping with sarcasm or not.

At his silence, Nebula shook her head slightly with a ghost of a smile on her lips, “Thanos was never one for sentiment with his children. Except—” she paused, leaving the sentence unfinished, knowing that Tony was smart enough to fill in the gaps.

“Thanos sounded like daddio of the year” He responded in an attempt to lighten the mood, and a genuine smile appeared on his face when he saw the smile that Nebula desperately attempted to supress.

“Okay, Stark.”

He furrowed his eyebrows slightly, in return Nebula rolled her eyes, “You can take over for a while. I’ve already entered the co-ordinates for your Earth, all you have to do is follow them.”

They quickly switched seats, Nebula settling into the seat slightly with her arms crossed over her chest as she watched Tony’s confusion over the ship’s control panel. It was amusing to watch, and she had learnt that he was stubborn enough to never ask for help.

But, eventually, he figured it out and he returned his gaze to the stars that were scattered among the blackened sky. And with the satisfaction that he wasn’t going to destroy the ship, Nebula closed her eyes and soon enough was comforted into the blanket of sleep.

It was only until Tony Stark was content that she was asleep did he turn around to look at the boy once more until softly saying, “I didn’t think you would have been here.”

Peter glanced up, realising that he had finally been acknowledged and stared at him for moment before shrugging, “Just because you left Titan, doesn’t mean you don’t still need me.”

Tony found himself nodding before resuming the silence, focusing on the task at hand rather than the boy who kept his mind at bay from the war a little while longer.

“Did you think you would never see me again?”

Tony held his breath at the statement, his hands tightening around the wheel as he kept his silence, a silence that answered the boy’s question a little too well.

“You- you never said goodbye, Mr Stark.”

He felt himself grit his teeth as he fought against the burning sensation that pained his throat, “How was I supposed to say goodbye to somebody that doesn’t even exist?”

“You were just going to leave me there, _alone_. I- I thought you cared.” Peter managed to get out, looking at the back of Tony’s head with daggers in his eyes from where tears lingered and burned his iris’.

“I do care, kid. I care because you look and sound like Peter Parker and to me, that’s enough to make me care. I can’t keep pretending that you’re a dead boy living.” Tony kept his eyes on the stars while his heart bled for the dream he believed he was living in, “I left you there because you’re not real. I thought leaving you there would have been enough to let you go. But I guess, the main reason I didn’t say goodbye is because then it would have been real, that would have meant that what happened was real and that I was an idiot to believe it was.”

Peter shook his head, “This isn’t about me though, is it? It’s about her- when you lose someone you care about, you just latch onto another. When you lose a child, you just replace them.”

The statement caused Tony to take back for a moment, turning around to face the kid with tears painting his cheeks and red, sore eyes, “Hey, come on, that’s not fair.”

“What’s _not_ fair is you thinking that you left me there alone on an alien planet and ditching me for _buddy-buddy_ time with the murderer’s child!”

Tony rolled his eyes, pulling the brakes on the ship and standing up and facing the child he was so sure that he had left on the planet, “Where did she come up in this? When did you become like one of my jealous, psycho-exes?”

“YOU’RE NOT LISTENING TO ME!” Peter screamed, his voice cracked under the pressure of a thousand emotions and Tony felt his heart crack with the tone. He was the reason that the child was standing there with red eyes and red emotions, he was the reason the child was in pain, he was the reason why Peter Parker had become as tainted as he was.

“I do listen, kid. I apologised to Nebula, you told me to avenge you- which I am on my way to doing. I understand that nothing will ever be enough, but kid I- I care, okay? Leaving you there was a dick move, I know that. It’s obvious I need you, and right now- I don’t want to argue with you.”

Peter’s expression softened and his sniffles quietened, his gaze lowered to the ground in what seemed to be embarrassment. His gaze met Tony’s eyes for a second as he muttered out a small, “I’m sorry, Mr Stark.”

Tony nodded in response, “It’s okay, kid.”

But staring at the child with tears coating his cheeks and sadness shivering his body in shakes, he wished nothing more than to hold Peter Parker in his arms once more. He stepped forward and reached out towards the kid, wanting nothing more than to comfort him but instead to feel nothing- no tarnished metal or warm flesh under his hand.

Peter glanced up, noticing the way Tony’s hand missed his shoulder and gave a small, sad smile in response- wanting nothing more than to hug Tony for all the horrible, spiteful things that he had said in the heat of the moment.

Instead, the two lost boys sat down on the ship’s floor for a few moments longer with the ship grinded to a halt. They simply sat down next to each other, the materials of their clothes never quite touching no matter how much they wanted it to as a silence surrounded them.

“I didn’t mean what I said, you know? I just- wanted to hurt you like you hurt me.” Peter muttered out, staring at the floor as he fiddled with his hands. He felt guilty about including Tony’s new friend into it, she didn’t deserve it. He felt guilt at even wanting to hurt Mr Stark, but at the end of the day, he did.

“I know you didn’t, kid. I never meant to hurt you though, I just thought leaving without saying goodbye would have been easier.” Tony admitted softly, looking across at the kid once more.

Peter nodded, a small smile etched onto his features as he looked across at the man he would have followed to the ends of the world for, “So where are we going?”

“We’re going home.” He stated, a tiny smile playing on his lips as the world felt alright again.

Even though Tony Stark knew that this infinite would only last a number of moments, hours, days- he wanted to hold onto it before the inevitable would happen. But having Peter Parker beside him for that unknown number of moments was worth the pain that would stalk him for the moments, hours, days after.

Having someone there that wasn’t actually there was a comfort that he didn’t know he needed, but Tony Stark had always been one for distractions and addictions, getting lost within them until he could no longer identify who or where he was.

With Peter Parker, it was beginning to confuse where the real boy began and the hallucination ended.

Whilst the man stuck in a haze of blue held onto his infinite for a little while longer, the girl painted blue was no longer asleep. In fact, _she hadn’t been asleep for a long while_.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> a short, quite angsty chapter w/ a cliffhanger- but nothing compared to the next chapter...
> 
> i'm evil, okay? if y'all ever wanna have a convo my tumblr is @lociloki :))
> 
> thanks for all the love, remember to leave kudos and comments if you enjoyed and ily all alot, until the next update!


	8. the stars

As soon as his infinite came, it soon went, slipping through his fingers like water- so he resorted back to flying the ship, sparing a glance at the girl with her eyes squeezed shut to the world. At least, that was what he wrongly presumed.

Nebula wanted to forget everything she had heard, everything she had witnessed. She had the final piece to the jigsaw that she didn’t know she was assembling- but she had no idea where to go from there.

Because if one thing was clear, and the only thing she knew for certain was that Tony Stark was speaking to someone, and that someone was the child that he mourned for.

Feigning sleep for a little while longer, she told herself that she would treat the situation lightly and not tell Stark what she had witnessed for a little while longer. Even though she felt an overwhelming urge to confront the man that was talking to nothing more than the air and a person that was housed inside his mind, she had only started to know the man- and she was starting on a long journey to gain his trust.

She decided that she would wait a couple of days, when they are back on earth and when they were, hopefully, reunited with his disassembled avengers, plotting the death of a man that they would all hate with a burning passion, while her hate would linger a little deeper and burn a little brighter, would she tell the man of what she had heard. She could only hope that he would not learn to hate her as he had learned to hate Thanos, but in a world full of darkness- there was little hope for her anymore.

While her thoughts darkened by every passing moment, Tony felt his heart lighten by every minute, feeling an indescribable feeling overcome him with the thought of the boy that sat on the ships floor. Even though he was at first confused and shocked over the reasoning of him being there still, Tony knew why. Deep down in his chaotic mind he knew that he could never really let Peter go when he was the only thing he had left, the only thing he had worth fighting for.

Otherwise, what was there certainly left? Half the world gone and the only person he could count upon was Nebula. But Tony knew that he had an undeniable pattern in his parting friendships, how at some point in time, everybody leaves. If the only person he had left on world was his shadow of Peter Parker, then maybe he could handle another day, another second of the half-world that was left.

It was either he live that lie than live a truth where he allows his self-destructive tendencies to cause even more damage to something he had sworn to protect.

So, he felt a little lighter that Peter Parker was still sitting there with the flush of existence reddening his cheeks and his eyes glossed over with the glow of life. It made surviving a little easier, and a little better.

It was only a matter of time before Nebula woke up from her faked sleep, opening her eyes to the world she had wished to shut out for that time to glance over at the semi-stable man with a vividness that she hadn’t seen before she had shut her eyes to him. The fact uneased her slightly as well as the thought of the man she had consulted with how he stayed sane with the grief that burdened them both- only to find out that he wasn’t as sane as he would have liked to admit himself to be.

She drew her eyes away from the man and towards the stars that he found such comfort in. She saw the way that he would admire them with an odd glisten in his brown eyes- but she never saw the fascination in the planets and the stars. There was once a time where she would find a sort of haven in them, as a young child before Thanos she would find a comfort in looking at the stars, wondering of the other worlds and existences that inhabited them.

But after that day, she started to envy them- knowing that life wouldn’t be as cruel and harsh as the one that she was forced to live- an endless pattern of destruction and ruin.

“Hey, you okay over there?” Tony asked in a nonchalant manner, even though there was some anxiety over why she was so quiet.

She nodded, her unguided attention remaining fixated onto the kaleidoscope of stars that decorated the sky. But soon enough, she grew bored of the sight and turned to Tony once more, “I can take over now.”

Even though Tony was confused over Nebula’s out-of-character behaviour, he reminded himself that he barely knew the blue girl and silently agreed, swapping places with her as his attention returned to the stars.

Tony didn’t know why he liked the sight so much, but he felt like it had something to do with the lonely evenings he would have, long ago. When his only companion was the stars that were scattered among the jet-black sky, he would admire them and tell them of things that happened in his long, drawn out days and ideas that sprung to his mind. But since those days and nights spent alone, he found that he no longer needed the sky to comfort him. Tony had people. Whether it was Happy or Pepper or even the Avengers for a short period of time in his life, he still had someone.

But now, sitting on an alien ship with just one certain companion in the world and a hallucination of Peter Parker, he remembered the days that he would spend so dreadfully alone with no comfort in the world, and he wondered whether his life would resume that dark past.

The silence soon became annoying and tiring for him, being trapped within his own past memories and thoughts, he turned to face Nebula, “Why are you so quiet all of a sudden?” He questioned, but it seemed to appear like more of a demand to her.

“I’m normally quiet. You do enough talk for the both of us.” She retorted, not in the mood to talk to the man who spoke to mere shadows.

Tony sighed, his attention remaining on Nebula, “Come on, you can’t just shut down on me. You’re all I’ve got up here.”

Nebula scoffed, no longer paying attention to anything that Tony would say. She hated how easily he could lie to her- when she spoke freely with sentiment, he only seemed to corrupt his truth in order to ignore reality. She had grown to hate cowards, people who would run away from their problems and look for temporary solutions that would only cause more damage in the long term, but she never took Tony to be one of those cowards.

But this was what a companion was, someone who had no choice but to tolerate until you could diverge paths.

“Look, Smurfette- what did I do?”

“Not everything is about you, Stark.” She sneered, her eyes turning to a glare as her eyes remained on the stars. Stars she had grown to hate.

Hate, hate, _**hate**_.

Everywhere she looked she saw them, the endless eternity of hate. When her eyes met with his, that was all she saw, all she could process and all she could divulge in.

“I know that, it’s just- I thought that, I don’t know.” He rambled, his heart laying slightly heavier in his chest than it did moments before.

“You thought we were becoming _friends_. I already told you, I don’t do friends.”

“Of course you don’t, that’s why we’re _companions_. And since we have no choice but to tolerate each other- I think you need to start tolerating me again.”

She glanced across at him, expecting to see a patronising expression or anything to make her want to hate him again but she didn’t. She didn’t find anything that she could use as leverage to despise the man. Instead, she found it a little easier to breath and a little harder to hate the stars.

Her eyes softened slightly and her black eyes met his gaze once more, “Okay, Stark.”

Tony let out a breath that he didn’t even comprehend that he was holding in as he smiled slightly, seeing the side of Nebula that he had become so familiar to, “So, what triggered it. Bad dream?”

She shook her head, “No, I’ll tell you some other time. Right now- you should be focusing on where you want us to land in Terra.”

The foreign name caused a little confusion, until his eyes diverted from hers to the view of the stars. Only it wasn’t the stars that he was looking at- but Earth.

“You did it.” He whispered, his eyes bright with the world reflecting off of them and a smile that met his eyes.

“ _We_ did it.” Nebula corrected, a smile playing on her lips at the sight of Tony Stark in that moment. But she couldn’t help but feel slightly empty, the fact being that they were back- which meant that it wouldn’t be long until their paths would diverge at a crossroad, leaving Nebula very alone once more.

But instead of embracing it, she decided for once to ignore the dark thoughts that blossomed in her mind and focused on the sight of the blue floating rock that she had been taught to be Terra, or as Stark called it, Earth. “So Stark, where to?”

Tony didn’t know where he wanted them to travel at first, but then he remembered the only place that he could go- the place that would either obliterate or mend his fractured heart. He turned his head slightly so that his eyes would land on Peter, only to find him already looking at him with a small smile on his lips as he anticipated what would be said.

So, Tony didn’t hesitate in responding, “I think it’s time I went home.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hope you enjoyed another short chapter, I was going to combine two chapters together but thought against it- sorry!
> 
> remember to leave kudos and comments, love you lots! :)
> 
> tumblr: @lociloki


	9. the test

They descended towards Earth, through the blanket of white that clouded their view from the horrors of the world. But once they escaped the clouds, they noticed the fire and ruin that was there. The world was not as Tony Stark left it, it was as if it wasn’t there at all.

The world that he promised to protect was in shambles, fire burned and structures in ruin- it was a sight from Tony Stark’s personal horror movie.

But Nebula had never seen the planet before, not knowing the before made the view of after unsurprising, but still a little disheartening. From the expression that he was pulling, she knew that the world must have been different. She flew around aimlessly, glancing down every now and then to see what new terror would be in sight.

“Stark,” She said softly, knowing how hard the burden must be, leaving a world to protect it- only to return to find that the world is not as safe as you promised it to be. “It’s not your fault.”

Tony felt the tears threaten to escape, the overwhelming feeling of failure taunted him as his gaze remained on the buildings that were so familiar to him. Because he knew where he was- New York. He recognised the dismantled, broken structures and the scatter of people that had halved. The chaos that followed was something that Tony saw in his nightmares- a world that he had failed.

He didn’t notice the boy that stood behind him, his hand resting on the seat as he stared with large eyes at the view of the world, a world that no longer inhabited Peter Parker.

“There’s no neighbourhood left.” Peter whispered, his eyes remaining on New York- the place that would no longer have a friendly neighbourhood Spiderman.

Tony turned around slightly and glanced up at Peter, his heart hurt at the sight of the young boy. But even as he felt heavy dread lay waste in his heart, he turned away from him to turn to face Nebula, “I’ll take us to where we need to go.” He said in a small voice, suppressing the emotions that fought his way into his heart.

Nebula didn’t argue in swapping places with him, staring down at the land that he belonged to.

That was a difference between her and Tony- he always belonged somewhere, he always had a home. She had never had a luxury like that, she never had a place that kept her safe and loved and maybe she envied that he had that at least once, but she couldn’t envy a man who believes he has lost everything. She couldn’t envy someone who once had everything, to now be left with the prospect of nothing. She couldn’t envy that kind of suffering, even if she may suffer the same trauma, she believes that he carries around a heavier weight, especially with the thought of the dead child being alive once again.

She didn’t understand his coping mechanisms, the way he could move around freely believing in those fables. But that didn’t mean that she didn’t wish for one day to see her sister again, to say goodbye- to thank her and to scold her for showing sentiment. There were so many regrets, so many unsaid things that she so deeply wished she had said.

Maybe that was the reason why she couldn’t hate Stark for holding onto the hallucination- because she would have done the same.

-

It wasn’t long before they arrived at their destination, the Avengers Facility. Tony felt the anxiety burn within every cell in his body as he dreaded what was behind those clear windows and closed doors. He dreaded whether Pepper would be sitting around, anxiously waiting for him or whether she was just dust on the concrete floor. He dreaded whether Rhodey was the same, he dreaded the unknown.

He dreaded the idea that they were the half of the universe that went.

Nebula studied the building, when the ship came to a stop, she realised that this must be his home, or the place that he belonged anyway. She didn’t understand why he wasn’t leaping out of his seat, running into the facility and not turning back for a second. Instead, he hesitated.

She realised how Tony was probably dreading the worst, finding none of his loved ones there- being stuck with her for the rest of his existence. Turning to face him, she saw the worry that lingered within his brown iris’ and the tense posture that he held in his shoulders. For some reason this made her nervous, _what could be so dreadfu_ l?

“Stark, you ready?” She asked, glancing back at the rather large building that she found rather ugly, but she would never tell Stark that. At least not now, anyway.

Tony let out a breath he didn’t know that he was holding in and looked over at her, his eyes landing on Peter’s for a second, “As ready as I’ll ever be.”

They all climbed out of the back of the ship, stopping for a moment to stare at the colossal building that remained standing proud compared to the state of the rest of New York, and what they could only assume, the world.

Tony felt the anxiety cling to every fibre in his being as he took step after step towards the building that was his home, the deathly silence echoed in his ears- the only sound was the two pairs of footsteps against the grain tarmac, Peter’s feet left an empty sound as if they were never there.

His hands shaked and he begun clenching them in desperation to avoid the weak gestures. Nebula noticed this and gently placed a hand on his shoulder when they came to a stop at the front entrance. Their eyes met and it seemed as though they were having conversations through them, and even though worry still streamed within his blood, he proceeded through the doors that held his heart.

The modern building was strange and unfamiliar to Nebula but to Peter and Tony, it brought back a sense of ease and calm- they were truly back on Earth. They were home, or as good as home as they could get.

Tony’s eyes scanned the walls, noticing how everything had remained the same since his last day, the day he left in the flying donut to save the wizard. The Tony Stark a few months ago would laugh at the sentence, but he only felt his heart ache at the memory, the memory when the boy behind him was real.

“Pep?” He shouted into the building, his voice bouncing off of the walls. He heard the desperation in them and didn’t bother to hide it. Instead he kept shouting for Pepper and Rhodey, his feet moving him across the room as he stared up above at the stair banisters, wishing nothing more than to see her be mad at him for going into space against her demands.

That was all he wanted, all he ever needed.

He turned to Nebula for a moment, noticing how awkward she looked standing there, “Um, just look around. There’s a weaponry a little further down.”

She nodded and moved towards where he had gestured- but not without a final look at the man, the man that was so desperate to find some happiness in a room of pure silence. It seemed that Nebula knew the reality before he did, but she couldn’t bring herself to state the obvious so dryly, especially when Tony didn’t even realise the truth yet.

Instead, he continued calling out their names in the air- waiting to hear a response. One of them had to be alive, someone had to be left. He passed many rooms, the room that once occupied Vision- and the realisation dawned on him that he was gone, too. The room that was once Wanda’s, the next one that was Nat’s, Sam’s, _Rogers_.

Passing each and every one to find them all empty as expected- and much to his dismay, Rhodey’s appeared empty as well. He bit back the fear that burned within his veins and instead headed towards the room both he and Pepper had been staying in recently, before it all happened.

From a single glance around the room, he noticed that no-one was there. But yet he still wandered around aimlessly, hoping for either of them to make themselves known. He sat himself on their bed, facing the window to admire the view outside.

It was strange, really.

If the Avengers were still based at the tower, the outside world would be in complete disorder and bedlam- but sitting here, gazing through the window, he could only see the world as he remembered it, just a little emptier.

A little lonelier.

The view soon grew tiring for him, his heart racing and pained over the fact that he hadn’t found anyone in the huge complex. He had searched each and every room for any sign of existence, every room apart from the en-suite situated behind a closed door.

A dreaded closed door.

Each step felt like an hour as he approached the door, his heart tripling in its rate as he reached for the handle, opening it with a tight twist. Everything seemed normal, nothing out of the norm- but it wasn’t until he saw the device did the anxiety soon return. Laid there next to the sink was a device that held news that Tony wished he didn’t see, not after everything.

He wished that it wasn’t happening, that it was just some mistake. But it wasn’t, and as he clutched the object within his shaky hands, his eyes averted to the ground- to find what he had been searching for, just not as he remembered it.

All that was left of his Pepper Potts was a pile of dust.

He didn’t comprehend his cries and screams, he didn’t register the tears that ran clean off of his face and the way he slammed his head against the cool ceramics. He didn’t even notice the way he slid down the wall to be sitting on the floor, choking back quieter more peaceful sobs as the room turned quieter.

He didn’t see that Nebula entered the room, staring down at him as she watched him break down once more. He didn’t understand why she slipped down next to him, her eyes glaring at the other wall as she listened to the melody of his suffering. He didn’t understand why she didn’t just leave him there to his own pity, but she didn’t. Instead, she chose to stay.

They could have stayed in that position for hours, days- neither one of them would have noticed. It was only when Tony stuck out his hand to reveal what he had been clutching, hiding away like a treasure. Her glare softened as she glanced at him to see him staring at the object with such grief and loss, her gaze turned to the small object he held.

“What is it?” She asked gently, noticing the way his pain had turned mute.

“Pepper’s gone, I found this. It’s positive.” He stated emptily, but she didn’t miss the anger that lingered within the words as he almost spat them out. Her confusion was soon answered as his eyes met hers, his expression blank as he croaked out,

“It’s a pregnancy test. She was _pregnant._ ”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I seem to only write angst- oops. but happier times for tony are coming, he seriously deserves it.
> 
> remember to leave kudos and comments :))
> 
> tumblr: @lociloki


	10. the ledge

They both remained in their bubble of silence- an army of tears escaped Tony’s closed eyes as the horrors made themselves at home within his mind. Words mingled around his head, most of them were muddled and he couldn’t identify them, but this one voice always came back to him. It would say the same thing over and over again, just out of reach- an almost inaudible whisper.

_Congratulations Mr Stark, you’re expecting a child._

It was what he should have been welcomed back with, the thrill and adrenaline of the words should have made him. In another life, a world parallel to his own- _he imagined how he would have been ecstatic from the news as he would kiss her over and over again, his hands placed gently over hers as it would be rested on her stomach. They would have been picking out which room would be the nursery, which colours the walls would be- he would try to decorate it but would probably make it look like a mess- she would scowl at him and do it herself to his objection._

_He would have gone to every ultrasound and he would have had a baby gender reveal party to boast about the child that would soon be his. He would most likely cry at the reveal and Rhodey would record it and tease him about it in later years. He would have been there for every part of the birth, and he would have been the first to hold them- and he would promise to love and cherish it like his mother did to him._

But all those thoughts slipped through his fingers and he was left with the painful reality- how he was sitting on the floor with his head prominent with pain and his heart torn apart once more. The universe had once again taken a jab at Tony Stark- and this time, he had no idea whether he could get up from rock bottom. So instead of those words being spoken to him, he instead got the sneered statement that made him shudder-

_Congratulations Mr Stark, you were expecting a child._

His eyes opened to Peter Parker, leaving against the door with a sorrow look written across his face. He couldn’t help but stare at the life that he helped to create, the ‘hero’ he turned a young child into. He couldn’t help but feel bitter to his very core at the fact that he had introduced the innocent boy to a life of cruelty- and now not only did he have to pay the price for that mistake, but Peter did too. It was what he did, he tainted roses to wither and corrupt them to thorns. But he also created the roses once more within his mind and kept it selfishly there, never letting it go until the day that it would show its true state and wither once more.

That was the legacy, the _heart_ of a Stark.

There was nothing pure or good, there was nothing left of the Iron Man that children would dress up as on Halloween- behind the suit of armour was a corrupt man, a man who had self-destructive tendencies and a blackened heart that would never be cleaned of sin.

It was only when Peter’s saddened gaze met his did he look away, not wanting the sympathy that he didn’t deserve, that he would never deserve. Instead, he turned to Nebula whose eyes remained on the wall as she glared daggers into it.

“Did you find anyone?” He simply asked, his voice hoarse from the tears that he shed- and even though there was a strand of hope that was buried deep within him, he knew the answer. He had known the answer since he landed in-front of the building that was once loved and cherished. He had only accepted it when he saw the pile of dust on the ceramics did he accept the facts, _there was no one good and pure that remained._

Nebula snapped out of her deadly trance and turned to Stark, noticing the way that his eyes didn’t meet hers and the emptiness that was etched within them. It had only taken a matter of minutes for him to turn into a man she didn’t recognise, a man that had finally, fully let his guard down. She feared his reaction but spoke the words anyway, “There’s no one here, Tony. It’s just you and me.”

But the fact that her words had no effect on him scared her even more, how a heart-breaking statement didn’t even embark a flinch. It was almost as if he was finished, as if nothing mattered. _That_ was what made her scared, the most dangerous people were the people who had nothing left, nothing left to fight for- nothing left to live for.

“Any—” He lazily gestured towards the dust on the ground as if it was nothing, when in reality- it was the person who it was meant everything to him. He had told himself that she was the thing he couldn’t live without. But there he was, _living_ \- breathing, surviving without her.

“I didn’t see any dust, I think she was the only one here.” She stated softly, her eyes never leaving the man she expected to snap at any moment.

But Tony didn’t know how to feel- relieved? Happy? Could he be so selfishly happy at the fact that no-one else he cared about could have been ended here? Could he be happy knowing that the person he loved died alone- in her last moments she was thinking of colours to paint the walls of a nursery, she worried of his own pathetic safety, she- they crumbled into a million pieces with no comfort or love other than their own?

“Mr Stark, they could be out there. There has to be more- it couldn’t have taken out everyone.” Peter stated, his voice wavering out of confidence and uncertainty which nearly made Tony scoff.

He decided in that very moment to stop moping around on his bathroom floor, and he would instead relieve himself in the comfort of a different distraction than Peter Parker. He was just a taunting image, a boy he cherished as his own- there in front of him, but still eternally out of reach.

He decided to resort back to one of his simpler distractions as he escaped the prison walls of the bathroom to the kitchen- slipping bottle after bottle onto the counter until he saw fit to open one. So, there was his solace- nothing but an endless supply of alcohol until he couldn’t define where he stood and what was real and what was fake.

He didn’t notice Nebula’s studying gaze as she watched him drink bottle after bottle, never refraining and hesitating. She was certain he had already lost count as he sat there in his haze, swaying on his stool slightly as he opened the ninth bottle.

Eventually, she grew tired of his behaviour, “Stark, I think you’ve had enough to drink.” She almost sighed out, she watched as his reaction was delayed until he sloppily brought his gaze from the counter to her, his eyes glossed over with drunken tendencies.

His eyes squinted into what she presumed should have been a glare as he pointed with his free hand towards her- but he was pointing over to the right to her, she thought he may have been pointing towards the boy that he spoke to, but he addressed her instead.

“W-what are you doing he-ere, Neytiri-i?” He slurred the words and she refrained herself from rolling her eyes at his behaviour.

“I was- worried about you, besides it’s not as if you locked yourself in a room.” She stated, crossing her arms over her chest and continuing her gaze of curiosity towards the man she expected to break at any given moment.

He continued to drink the remainder of his drink, the memory of the pain still lingering there in the back of his mind, hoping to numb it as much as he could. Instead of consoling her with tasteless lies of how he was fine, of how everything was okay and that he wasn’t going to break, that he didn’t need her mothering him all the time- he just hid his broken tendencies and instead found himself meeting what he believed was her eyes.

It was the Stark way, so continuing on this dark path, “Don’t stand over -there like a stalker then, en- lighten me. Have a drink.”

Even though his words were coaxed with alcohol, she obliged to his demands and sat down at the seat that he patted at and slid a bottle into her hand. She had no interest in drinking it, but if it was going to make him happy or speak to her, she would do so. She had all the time in the world for Stark to rearrange his emotions to get them in check so that he could find his friends. But she knew that, in a sense, Stark was all she had left- so joining him was better than leaving him alone. She knew how he hated loneliness, he probably hated the quiet more than he did her father- not that he would ever admit that.

So, she continued to play with the bottle in her hands as she watched as Stark moved onto his tenth. It wasn’t long until he broke the silence once more, “I don’t know what I was expecting.”

She glanced over at him, watching as he stared solemnly at the bottle that he seemed to cradle within his hands. She didn’t push him, scared that she might ruin the little that they had between them. She had never really wanted to become close to anyone, but with Stark being the last person in the universe to share her concerns with and his with her, it was something special that she wanted to hold onto rather than leave. Maybe that was what scared her the most, her biggest fear losing the last thing that kept her grounded to sanity.

Or maybe it was just the fear of losing her companion, of losing her last and only friend in the universe.

“I guess, I, I thought that someone else other than us- would have been left, you know? That maybe I had something to go home- to go home to. But there’s nothing- that’s the cursed life we live. He takes and he takes, and - and he _takes_.” He gritted his teeth, his hand clasped around the bottle so tightly that she thought it may break.

Instead, he stumbled out of his chair, the bottle slipping out of his tight grasp onto the ground- the shards danced around his feet and crackled and crinkled onto the tiled floor. She didn’t flinch, but only gazed up at him with the wonder of the unknown, “There’s others left. Your friends, all we have to do is—”

He scoffed, his shoes crunching and breaking the shards as he swayed around the kitchen, “ _Friends?_ You think that I, Tony Stark, have anyone left that- that cares about me? You want to know why, why I was the one who had to go up into space and save tha- that _stupid_ wizard- it wasn’t because I volunteered, it’s because I was the, the only one THERE!”

He tore things down and threw them onto the ground without a care in the world. Even though he was hurting more than he could care, and even though he would never mean the words that he would say- it didn’t mean that he didn’t think of them every second of every day. “There’s-there’s no one left that gives a shit about me. I’m- I’m just the man that destroyed the avengers to them.” He growled out, and even though he might have never meant them, he said them anyway.

“I’m still here.” She stated softly to him, as if he was a resilient child- and he even found himself pausing at the kind tone that was cradled so gently in her voice. His eyes met hers and they seemed to be studying one another, waiting for who was to make to next move upon the broken glass trailed under their feet.

“I-I wish that was enough.” He found himself slurring, the hard edges returned to his eyes as he glared down at the floor as if it was the thing that did all the wrong to him.

She stood up slowly, leaving her untouched drink upon the counter and placed a hand on his shoulder. The contact she had made surprised the both of them. But instead of retracting it, she left it there as she smiled slightly being muttering, “Nothing will ever be enough, but it’s a start.”

Stark couldn’t help but smile at the sentence, and even though he was drink senseless and could see blurry fog where hard lines normally lived, he still smiled. His eyes searched around for the young boy that he had thought to have been there, only to find that it wasn’t.

“Peter…” He whispered, and he turned towards Nebula to see that she wasn’t there anymore either. The pressure that was once been on his shoulder had left long ago and it didn’t take long for the pain to return.

The pain that had disappeared for but a few moments and he felt the anxiety nip and strain in every cell. He couldn’t help but smash the drink that had found himself holding against a counter, feeling the way they blistered and tore at his flesh. But in a way, he found the sting and warmth that leaked comforting, it numbed the heartbreak for a little longer.

Floating in and out of his haze, he found himself grabbing Nebula’s drink and carrying it around with him until he found himself outside on the roof where the early evening breeze began to nip at his skin. He stumbled towards the edge, sitting down with a huff as his legs swung from over the edge. He couldn’t even remember the journey there, only the pain that he had felt and the burn of tears as he was truly alone with his thoughts once more.

The bottle he held so tightly as if it was his last lifeline was almost empty, and he couldn’t help but feel bitter. Even though he was drunk out of his mind, he could still remember the memories before he began his first bottle. He could still remember the last kiss that he and Pepper shared, the last moments he held Peter Parker within his arms and the moment he had a child and lost it all within the same moment.

But even as he sat there on the roof, an empty bottle in his hand, vacant thoughts clouding his mind and a heart that was barely existing, he still, in his drunken state, tried to remain calm as he stared into the view that he could once classify as his home.

It wasn’t long before Nebula noticed his absence, when she left Stark to brew with his thoughts- she only managed to recollect a shatter in the distance to bite down the dread. The next time she searched for him, he wasn’t where she had left him. In his place was another broken bottle intertwined with blood. She followed the trail of red to the roof where he sat with his eyes glazed over with trapped tears as he stared into the distance, her empty drink in his hand.

Without a moments hesitation she sat down next to him, slipping down so that their shoulders brushed one another and her arms wrapped around her legs, keeping them close to her chest against the biting breeze that she was unfamiliar to.

“It wasn’t always like this, you know.” He whispered to her, and even though he didn’t make eye contact or even acknowledge her presence- she was the only one left to talk to, the only one left in his world.

“The Avengers were a team that I was a part of. I was happy, I guess. It was a team, and I was never the sort to be a team player- but for some reason we all made it work.”

He paused for a moment, his hand caressed the bottle gently and it was almost soothing like a familiar face in a crowd of strangers. It was a past friend, a past habit that he had grew out of, but it was a friend in that moment, a friend amongst the sea of anxiety that crept within the crevasses of his mind. “But then the accords happened and everything changed. We fought one another, never refraining to think whether we were wrong in what we were doing. Then- then Steve Rogers, someone I thought I could trust stabbed me in the back and I was back to hating him again. So, he’s on the run with countless others, leaving me- the bad guy in this situation, behind. But said that if I needed them, if I needed _him_ \- then he’d be there.”

He scoffed as his eyes trailed around the scenery of the world that looked whole from the roof.

“Bullshit.”

Even though he gritted the words out with anguish and bitterness, Nebula could still see the sadness that clouded his iris’. She could still see that it hurt him, even if it happened so long ago- the event had left a gash on him that had never fully healed. “What happened that was so bad?”

“His _friend_ , a guy he was defending had killed my mother. And he knew, he knew and he just kept it away and when the time came- he- he had a choice. Me or him, and he chose _him_.” He sneered, his jaw ticking with the betrayal that still made his blood run cold. But even in his bitterness, he knew that that was all it was.

His eyes lost the cold, hard edges that they once held and it washed away almost, a moments weakness as he muttered in a small voice, “No one ever chooses me.”

Nebula shook her head slightly, “I chose you Stark.”

It was like he had forgotten that she was even there and he finally looked at her with watery eyes only to shake his head, “That’s different. Besides, it was all bullshit. He’s bullshit.”

He slowly got up to his feet, shaking and swaying with the influence of alcohol that had been slurring his tone and Nebula refrained from standing up too to make sure he wouldn’t fall. It was only when he stood on the ledge, his feet barely an inch from the drop and his sight focused on the ground in front of him did she really believe that he could do something so stupid.

“Stark—”

“100 feet down, would you say? It’s a pretty easy motion, I say I’d remember everything for about 10 seconds before the impact would hit.”

He imagined how he would have spent those 10 seconds, and even though he wasn’t going to do it- he still imagined what he would have remembered in those 10 last seconds. The thoughts that would pass him faster than light, the memories he would mellow in, in those last moments.

“One last loss, I guess. Easier than facing Cap and the others, they never needed me anyway.” He told himself, and without meaning to- he was beginning to convince himself with his own drunken thoughts and drunken words.

_One last loss._

“Tony,” She began slowly, her words hard to come out as she stared at the broken man infront of her- now uncoiled from her previous position to standing behind him slightly, until she grew the courage to stand next to him on the ledge. She remained there, a quick glance down at the ground, attempting to keep her rabbiting heart at bay, “It’s a long way down.”

“100 feet, like I said. Come on, pay attention here Smurfette, don’t clock out on me.” He joked slightly, a humourless laugh escaping as he glanced at the girl who had anxiety and fear written all over her- but in his drunk haze he couldn’t even identify right from wrong.

“It’s the coward’s way out.” She argued, her voice wavering despite her battling to remain calm, her hands shook slightly from the brief relocation of her past days.

“Thanos tell you that one?” He asked coldly, his eyes turning hard at the name that escaped. Even though it was a snarky reply, something she should have scolded him for- she remained silent as tears glossed over her eyes.

She muttered an almost silent,

“Yes.” A quiet word that sounded so broken, and she wanted to break her own neck at a sign of such weakness but she remained this way for a little while longer. There they stood, the two broken people, survivors from a war that they didn’t want to survive from.

“Wh-what do you mean?” He slurred, his eyes remaining cold as he continued in an agitated tone, “Come on, en-lighten me- what could be so bad that, how can you possibly understand—”

“I UNDERSTAND BECAUSE I WAS THERE!” She shouted, unable to keep in her thoughts and memories as tears escaped but she didn’t stop as she continued in a raised tone, “I was there- where you’re standing and he taught me that.”

It was after her statement did she meet his eyes once more to see the softness that she had become all too familiar with return to his deep, brown studying eyes, almost like an intrigued child learning something extraordinary and new. She sighed, shrugging her shoulders as her gaze returned to the distance.

“I got low,” she started softly, subconsciously wringing her hands together with anxiety at a topic she had tried so hard to forget, but its hard to unwrite a chapter written so heavily with ink- with bold words titling it in all its glory.

“My sister continued wanting to win as I continued to lose. Every fight, he would take me apart, put me back together. Again, and again and again. I didn’t see an end, so I found the highest point I could and stood on the ledge. I thought that if I had one last loss then it wouldn’t be the worst, one loss would be better than numerous others.

“I thought I was alone up there, alone with my final thoughts. But it turned out I wasn’t alone, he was there all along. He told me—” She paused for a moment, heaving out a heavy breath as she felt the burn of tears in her eyes.

“He told me that I shouldn’t have _hesitated_ , he told me that you should never hesitate or someone else will end you first. He taught me it was a coward’s way out, so he killed me again and again and again. After that, I began to lose count of the amount of times I lost.”

His eyes never left her as the words slowly sank in- and he began to realise that the alcohol in his system couldn’t flush out the pain he was feeling. The memories, the fact that even with alcohol coating his blood, Tony Stark would always care and always feel.

So, instead of resuming a façade with cold eyes and a cold tone, he found himself softening at the edges for the girl that stood next to him, his _companion_. He knew that even in his drunken haze, whether Peter Parker was there or not- he would always have her.

“We’re qui-quite the pair, huh?” He muttered, his breath intoxicated with the essence of alcohol but his words were more sober than he had ever been in a while.

Nebula swallowed down her emotions before glancing at him, relieved to see the softness in his eyes that she had become a companion to. Rather than answering his unanswerable question, she merely shrugged, brushing off the emotions and tears she had just shown moments before. She stepped off the ledge, extending a hand as she stared into the gentle eyes once more, “Come on, Stark. We said we’d kill him, don’t back down on me now.”

With drunken hesitation, he eventually grasped onto her hand like an anchor and stumbled his from the ledge as she guided him away from the stinging cold. She ignored the emotional stare that he held on her with his eyes misted with the substance he so willingly drank, she ignored the way he looked at her as if she was wounded.

Instead, she took him into one of the rooms and waited for him to position himself among the bed as she made her way towards the couch across the room. He eventually laid himself among it, his eyes trained at the celling as she did the same among the uncomfortable fabric- she just didn’t want to sleep in a room without another soul, she hoped he wouldn’t question that.

She waited and waited to see his eyes flutter shut, and she waited until the substance would make him weary and go to sleep. But he didn’t for what seemed like hours, and the only thing audible were his heavy breaths. She did notice the way his eyes would flicker to the side of where she lay, and she found herself wondering whether his vision on the child was there. But she never asked, and even in his state- she wasn’t sure whether he would have even answered.

Tony was relieved that Peter was back, but he wasn’t even sure why he had left in the first place. He bit back his questions, he didn’t have the strength to do so. But his mind was a whirlwind and eventually, he ended up saying something that he would most likely regret later on down the line.

“That bad dream I had, when we were back on the ship. I-It was about you,” He stumbled, the alcohol still slurred and drawled out his words, but he managed them anyway. It was almost as if he could sense her confusion when he added, “It was that day again, they all left again. H-He was there, he killed you.”

She tensed at his words that he was so strained to say, and she glanced over at him, noticing how he was staring with such sad concentration at the blank canvas that was the ceiling. She only managed to struggle out,

“It was just a dream, Stark.”

It was a desperate attempt to comfort him as he felt at his lowest, but Nebula couldn’t help but find herself lost within her thoughts- as she remembered over and over again that she had had similar one’s _countless times before_.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've reposted this like 3 times, i'm so indecisive! thanks for your support, remember to leave kudos and comments :))
> 
> until next chap!


	11. the call

Tony woke up to his head blazing with pain, a constant pounding as if someone was drumming from within his very skull- a fractured grief resonated there before he finally, and reluctantly, opened his eyes.

He found himself searching for the events of the night before only to find it hazy- hard to focus for too long. He felt sick to the very core, his eyes burned and he everything finally clicked. The alcohol that lingered within the air around him, the sickness, the headache- he was having a hangover.

He couldn’t remember the last time he had had one, he imagined that it was before his unexpected stay at Afghanistan- he almost shuddered at the memory of that place, and the pain in his head rattled and seemed to increase at the mere thought of it.

With eyes scanning the room, he realised he wasn’t alone. Nebula had positioned herself on the couch adjacent to his bed, her eyes closed off to the world and a feeble-looking-boy was sat on the floor next to her. His eyes didn’t meet Tony’s, and in a sadistic way, he was glad of that. He didn’t want him to see him like this- to meet his eyes and feel an overwhelming guilt burn its way through, he didn’t want him seeing this way- a fucked up mess.

So, with the silence encasing him, he found himself staring at the ceiling once more, longing for something that would erase the emptiness that he felt but to no avail. The sickness tinged and prodded at him but he stayed there never-the-less. The stars he would pay out for another chance, another chance to make things right- to make things the way the way they used to be. But even as a billionaire, Tony couldn’t afford to pay up for his mistakes, not this time. No amount of money could erase the damage or the emptiness he felt.

He didn’t feel the eyes that burned into him, and even if he did- would he care? He was growing sick and tired of caring, he grew sick and tired of losing things that he couldn’t afford to lose- he grew sick of life, he grew tired of caring for things that left.

He was sick- he was tired.

All he could do was bite back tears and continue his impassive stare at the ceiling, scenes unrolling within his mind like a movie- things he could only watch from afar. All he could do was imagine things- imagine what it would have been like to do everything all over again, imagine the good he could do if he wasn’t such a fuck up- imagine the life he could have lived, the life they deserved- the life he would _never_ deserve but longed for anyway.

The pain blistered his very core, and he found himself drowning in it- a fight he would never win, but continue to battle with anyway.

Peter’s eyes continued to bear into him and he closed his eyes, wishing nothing more than the boy to leave. The memories would flicker in hazy glows, the smile of a boy he condemned to the worst fate, the boy who was fighting in a man’s war. He hated himself for it, the mistakes. He hated himself for his stupidity and he hated himself for not once refraining- he hated himself that it had to be this way, that this was their end game. The question occurred whether there was any end game, that Strange just wanted him to suffer in this way- the man had once despised him once.

They were stupid thoughts, nothing more than to attempt to fill the emptiness that dug his way to his very soul- the emptiness that was left of Tony Stark. He refrained from making ugly sobs, keeping his eyes shut- behind them he could see her. Pepper- her smile, her laugh, her warm glow. But his thoughts were soon invaded by a voice, a voice he had dreaded to hear since noticing his arrival once more.

“You’re crying again, aren’t you?”

Peter’s voice trembled slightly and it just made Tony even more empty inside. The trembling voice wasn’t his- it never would be again. So instead of answering, he kept his silence close to his chest with quivering hands as he listened to the echo of his heart.

“Mr Stark—”

“Just, just- leave me alone, Peter.” He managed to get out, ignoring how small and empty his voice sounded. He didn’t want to talk to the shadow today, no distraction would take away this pain.

“Mr Stark, please. You can’t do that again.”

He almost smiled at the statement, in a sadistic way- the kid never did what he was told. But his vacantness refrained him from doing this, so instead he humoured the shadow, “Do what?”

“What you did last night, what you were going to do.”

He opened his crimson eyes for a second, glancing over at the kid who remained in his position, “I wasn’t going to do it, kid. I just- I got… low okay?” He stated softly, feeling guilt bubble within him.

“Then why did you stand there?”

“Because- because I thought about it. I really, really did.” He paused, feeling the tears choke him once more as he stared at the reflection of Peter Parker, the emptiness feeling no-less full, “But- but I couldn’t. I couldn’t let you and Pep and- and the baby die for nothing… I-I just couldn’t, I wasn’t going to be that selfish. Not this time.”

He inhaled sharply, tears pricked his eyes once more as he barely whispered, “I miss you, Peter. I miss her- why can’t I see her?”

Peter himself had slightly reddened eyes as he shrugged, a tiny smile on his lips as he said, “I don’t know, Mr Stark. I really- really don’t know.”

And even thought he zoned out after that, the silence eating him whole- he could have sworn he heard the feintest whisper of the words, “I miss you too.”

-

It wasn’t long after that did Nebula wake up to see the shattered man lying on the bed, his sobs silenced, but no litter of bottles. She felt content in that fact, and even as she stood up and approached the man who lied there like a feeble child, she could no longer smell the poison that laced his scent.

“She’s- she’s dead.” He muttered to no-one, he didn’t understand how it was possible, but his heart hurt even more than it already did. Even through burning eyes, he noticed how Nebula crouched down beside him so that her face was level to his head- his eyes never meeting hers, her eyes never leaving his.

“Tony, you know what we have to do now. Don’t let their deaths be for nothing.” She stated, hoping to see something that remained of her companion, another piece that she could slot together in an attempt to keep him going.

He was going to ignore this statement, to allow himself to wallow there a little while longer- to feel this way for a while, the guilt that tore into him- it was what he deserved. But his eyes met Peter’s for a moment, and he remembered what he had told him that day where his heart felt empty. The one thing Tony knew he could do better in this world,

_Avenge._

Wiping away a stray tear, he allowed his eyes to meet Nebula’s as he muttered with an empty smile and a charred voice, “When do we start?”

A smile she tried to hide escaped- disappearing as quickly as it appeared as she pulled out an all too familiar device- a device Tony wished he would never see again. With an outstretched, weary hand- her eyes softened as she noticed his smile disappear too. “I found it, while searching around the place. It’s a communication device, I believe. Steve Roger’s name was the only contact.”

Tony sat up, ignoring the way his eyes felt like kilograms of weight, ignoring the searing pain that lashed through his body as he continued to stare at the phone. For the first time since he woke up, he felt something. It wasn’t anger or hatred- nothing crimson and despicable. No, he simply felt some hope. This was how he was going to find the avengers, or what was left of them.

He wondered whether Cap was one of the ones that went- he wondered how he’d feel to hear his voice again after what felt like decades apart, he wondered whether Rogers even wanted him there anymore, he wondered whether he even wanted to see the mean again. He wondered what the others would think of him, the state he was in. The man who finally snapped after a long list of mistakes.

He hesitated, it was human- once he bit down at the anxiety and the wonderous dread, he placed the phone in his hand and pressed the button.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> weekly updates from now on, also itS FINALLY HEATING UP AFTER ELEVEN CHAPTERS! kudos and comments as always :)


	12. the other side

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> let's ignore the fact that I've been absent for over a month with no explanation... enjoy?!

The two soldiers stood there, gazing vacantly at the broken battlefield with weak hands and numb bones. They could have been standing there for hours and they wouldn’t have even known, the punch of guilt thundering down on them harder than the last. An empty land where empty souls and ashes lined the dirt- the ground swallowing them whole while the two men longed for it to take them too.

It was there the two of them stood- James Rhodes and Steve Rogers with their eyes studying the battlefield. It wasn’t the first time that either one of them had lost soldiers- and it certainly wasn’t the first time that they had lost friends. Yet the pain splintered and blistered their souls so that they struggled to hold in the cries that wanted so desperately for a release.

The rest of the group had disbanded into their own ignorant silences- they couldn’t remember the last time he had spoken to the majority of the group. They were all being selfish for the first time in a while, selfish in their own grief- selfish because what was there left to be said?

The battle was lost, they had failed- their loved ones were nothing more than the earth they stood on while the man that had tarnished the world forever was still breathing, living.

Thoughts that made them grit their teeth and prolong their silence, their guilt suffocating them- the same question pivoting around their mind- _what was there left to be said?_

So, it was there that the two of them stood with hands shoved carelessly into their pockets and tired eyes lined with dark undertones. The air was deafly silent and vacant, everybody seemed to trap themselves inside- too afraid of the emptiness of the world around them.

Steve found himself glancing over at Rhodey, he appeared to be doing the same as he was, drowning in the eternal pit off loss. Maybe this was all that was left, maybe this was finally the end of the path they had started.

_It just wasn’t what they pictured when they spoke in hushed voices about it._

But he was never sure of what he imagined the end of his long, long life to be. Maybe in another life, standing on a deserted battlefield next to a friend would have been enough. But in this life, with the things he’s seen and the people who have fallen and faded for the air that fills and deflates his lungs- this life was not enough.

His eyes left the figure next to him and instead to the phone that he held so tightly that he was afraid it would splinter and tear into a thousand pieces. It was all he could think about in the aftermath, whether the world had lost Earth’s best defender, whether everything really was over.

_Whether it really was the extinction of the Avengers._

Even though Steve wanted to refuse himself the right to talk about him, he couldn’t help but stare down at the phone that he had been constantly calling and in an endless wonder- was it all over?

“I’ve tried to call him.” Steve muttered, playing with the device within his hand before tossing it towards Rhodey who caught it with ease.

It didn’t take long for him to realise who Steve was talking about, it barely took a few seconds to respond, “How many times?”

He simply shrugged back, it had been a matter of hours since his last attempt where he was trapped between walls that once felt safe. After what felt like the thousandth failed call, he broke down- his sobs remained silent and small with the burden weighing a little heavier.

“Cap, I want him back too- but the last word was from a news station saying how he had gone missing into space. If he didn’t want to call then, then I doubt he’d want to talk to you now.”

The silence shrouded them once more, the words circled around his mind but the same conclusion made his skin crawl, “Tony’s stubborn, but he’s not that stubborn. He would have called after… _It_ happened, the only reason he wouldn’t have called is—"

He stopped himself before finishing, the two of them knowing what he was implying- their eyes meeting both glistening with unspoken grief.

“Listen, I’ve known Tony longer than you have- he can be that stubborn when he wants to be. But more than that, we both know who he is- he’s a survivor. If anyone will survive this- then its him.”

Rhodey’s words were spoken with ease and certainty- but a glance at the man would show the uncertainty masked with a few simple phrases. Maybe that was what made him admire the man- his wise and ease with words that could hold a team together. He should have probably have taken a page out of Rhodey’s book while he had the chance.

Steve chose to not look at Rhodey again, and instead to the distance where the trees stood tall and proud, crowded together to prevent the view from where they had lost it all. He found himself torturing himself with the moment, the repeated phrase lingered and sneered at him with venom, _what if he had held Thanos off for another second; what if they had changed their plan; what if they had opened the forcefield a moment earlier._

He would brush the comments off- but he began to become loss in this senseless wonder of whether a few seconds would have changed the game entirely. It was in these moments did Steve really miss the value of time and wished nothing more than to be that little guy in Brooklyn that was too dumb to walk away from a fight.

In a way, he still was that guy- but back then, the consequences only affected him and him only. A few bruises and cuts that would scab over- but this time and the times after were different- he was affecting people around him- friends, strangers. He couldn’t help but encase the guilt tightly and hold it against his chest, maybe this was the last fight he had had before realising his mistakes.

Maybe it really was all over.

His mind was torn from piteous thoughts to reality at the ring of a phone, the phone clasped tightly around his hand. The tone screamed and cried gently but was ever so clear to hear and he glanced over at Rhodey to ensure that he was hearing it correctly- the look on his dumbfounded face answered his question.

With numb fingers and quivering hands, he opened the phone and answered, snapping the phone up to his ear as he heard the quiet, shaky tone that breathed down the end of the phone. Swallowing down his anxiety and fears, he muttered out in a neutral tone that was smoothed with confusion and relief, “Tony?”

There was only a moment that passed before he heard the person down the phone clear his throat, “Rogers,”

The voice down the phone was no doubt Tony’s- but something was immensely different. He sounded so strange, so foreign but so familiar all in the same moment. His voice sounded a lot weaker, and Steve knew all too well that he most likely sounded the same.

“Listen- Steve. I—” The voice faltered, emotion choking his words as he exhaled loudly,

“I need you.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> after suffering writer's block I have returned! sorry for the wait if any of you are left- and sorry that the chapter was absolute shite but the next update will be longer and better than this! kudos and comments as always, thanks for the support!


	13. the return

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> captain marvel was amazing and inspired me to write again, what a queen, enjoy the chapter loves :)

Steve had told Tony of his location, stating that the once hidden country was now in plain sight in the—aftermath; Tony eagerly hanging up on the soldier as he began to collect his things. Nebula found it strange to see him this way- moving with purpose around the room, stuffing any necessities into the first bag that he had grasped.

As she loosely followed him through the rest of the facility, she didn’t fail to notice him slipping liquid that poisoned his mind into the bag. She chose to bite back her words as he silently made his way through the building, never once acknowledging her until the very last moment when his eyes met hers as they studied curiously, almost menacingly.

He cleared his throat slightly, straightening his shoulders as he placed the bag strap tightly around his shoulder, “They’re going to ask, um- questions on the others.”

She nodded, ignoring the ill feeling that stung her at the thought of her sister, something she hadn’t thought about for a few minor minutes, “They will ask too many questions, Terrans always do.”

“Is that a jab at me?” He mused, a small smile on his features as he gazed at his companion as she shook her head-.

“You’re not like any Terran I’ve ever met, but I’ve only met a few in my life.”

His eyes lingered on her for another moment before they loosely trailed around the building he had once found to be his own. Despite everything, despite the horrors that had happened and the world shattered in two; his heart ached but willed him to remain in the facility for but a few more moments. Shattered eyes glanced towards the room in which his heart was brutally torn out, the room where all his fantasy and pathetic hope withered in an instant. He found himself taking a step in the direction, feeling more vacant by every passing second—

A hand planted him firmly in his place, black eyes pouring into his as she shook her head once more- this time more firmly, as if telling a child what and what not to do, “Don’t. Don’t do that to yourself.”

Maybe it was her words that made him follow the order, maybe it was the humane contact against his bruised skin- or maybe it was the sheer desperation he saw in her normally emotionless eyes that made him turn towards the exit.

Maybe it was the fact that after everything, they both knew that he wasn’t strong enough to stand in that room- stand where she stood in her last moments, and walk right out again.

So instead, with the bag weighing heavily on his shoulder, he found the strength to walk out of the facility he once called home, towards a ship he secretly prayed he would never have to return to. Every step caused more and more anxiety to fester under his skin- and if it wasn’t for the girl walking next to him, he swore he would have turned back around, facing whatever emotion as a consequence to never see the shattered world again.

Even as he entered the ship once more, feet standing on the familiar, strange surface and the metallic, dark interior- he felt more and more nervous, anxious for the people he would see, the people that he wouldn’t see. He didn’t have the heart to ask- but neither did Steve. But as he sat down in the pilot seat, glancing at the writing of the whereabouts of the place called Wakanda- he couldn’t help but feel something he hadn’t felt in days.

He was scared- a man who had to be fearless and selfless, someone who had to save everyone else-a man who had failed to save everyone, was scared. The same fear he had felt when his suit lost power, travelling through space as he barely squeezed through the wormhole- the same fear he felt when he couldn’t catch Pepper, the flames engulfing her as he thought that he had lost her. The same fear he felt on Titan- but not of when his own bladed creation pierced his skin, no- he felt a strange peace, that if he couldn’t protect the earth, he would die trying.

But that wasn’t the fear that clawed at his chest- it was the fear he felt when he watched the people who fought to protect the earth, same as him, die in front of his eyes- while he was forced to watch. The same fear he felt when he turned to face Peter Parker- the boy who shouldn’t have been fighting on the foreign planet, die in his arms. The fear was the same- the fear that he had the power to stop the events, but never doing so- and the self-hatred that would always follow in its wake. The power withering from his suit-  how should have tinkered with the suits until it had more; he could have caught Pepper- his hands could have held her more tightly, he could have fought harder- he could have comforted Peter Parker more.

He could have given his life- he was going to give his life before Strange stopped him. The fear of watching a group of fighters fall, while he was forced to stand and breathe- the fear of everything was contagious, but yet—

He almost jumped at the contact, Nebula’s hand colliding on his shoulder. Her vacant eyes flooded with worry as she watched the man become paralysed once again. She couldn’t help but wonder whether it had all become too much; the weight of the world seemingly balanced on his weary shoulders, the war raging within his grieving mind being a fight he couldn’t win.

She wanted to comfort him- to tell him that he wasn’t alone, that she too fought the same war- that she shared that weight with him, that she too was afraid- but she could never fathom how to.

She would never speak the words, but the man next to her was her only companion in the lonely world- a friend, even if her days had previously been spent isolated- she had enjoyed sharing her days with another soul. She wondered through recent sleepless nights whether this familiar burn of joy was what Gamora felt- that this kind of warmth was what was so addictive, what made Gamora adopt a second family.

But her mind was soon drawn to the dejected man, his eyes wavering behind her for a moment before snapping to hers- a blank smile made its way on his features as he cleared his throat. “Alright, Neytiri- ready to meet my ex-companions?”

Nebula smile resembled a smirk, “So I’m not the first?”

“You’re not even the first woman to say that to me.”

He laughed slightly at her confused expression, merely shaking his head as he tapped the co-ordinates into the tech- but his eyes would always flicker to the young boy standing behind Nebula, wondering when he would next hear a remark come from him. Wondering when he’ll say something that would be his last.

When the ship shuddered to a start, when it clung desperately to the air and began to rise- he felt almost hopeful, knowing that there was at least something more than an empty facility that was once a home.

He found himself glancing over to Nebula- her inked eyes solemn for a moment, drowning in the sorrow she would hide away- imprison inside of her like she was told to do, like she would always do. “You know, you never really told me about you and your sister.”

She gritted her teeth, tempted to snap at him for a moment- but she realised it was harmless, almost kind- as if he was attempting to be a distraction on the harsh, bitter times to come like she had suggested him to be. “There’s not much to tell, she was his favourite- I wasn’t.”

Tony sighed, gripping the steering devices a little tighter as he sharply shook his head. “No, not about him. I mean before all this mess, your favourite memories of her—”

“Any memory of her where we weren’t fighting for survival was pleasant.”

She paused, a genuine smile overtaking her features as a distant recollection returning to her like a familiar stranger. “I suppose, there was this time I went to kill her- I was after blood and revenge—”

“That’s your favourite memory of her?”

“I wasn’t finished, Stark. Instead we spoke and she understood. When I left to kill Thanos- she told me that I’d always be her sister… I suppose she meant that, she stopped him torturing me in exchange for the stone.”

She paused, glancing over at her companion as he stared at her, a sort of understanding evident between them, “I guess it was nice to have a sister, after everything.”

He nodded, his voice soft as he reassured her. “We’re going to fix all of this, you’re going to avenge her.”

“I know.”

A silence prevailed for a while, Nebula clutching onto the obscure happy memory that would become lost in the sea of the sad- and for a while, she seemed almost content, until a wave of cold would numb her once more and remind her that there would never be any happy times while Thanos lived. There would never be any more happy memories, because he took it away from them- before she had a chance to have the sister she longed for.

She attempted to ground herself to the ship; to avoid a dark, downward spiral in front of the man next to her. “What about you and the child?”

Tony’s eyes widened slightly, flickering to the boy’s face that lit up at his mention- watching intently as he cleared his throat slightly. “There’s not much to say, I just mentored him a little- he was a good kid, you know. He was selfless and kind and everything I could never really be.”

“You miss him?”

He bit his tongue, the silhouette of the child lingered in his view- despite being focused on the darkening clouds, “Of course, and you?”

“She’s family, it’s kind of hard to not miss her.” She admitted quietly, as if she was embarrassed by the thought- that she could miss someone after only a number of hours.

Tony stared at Nebula, watching as a solitary tear escape before she quickly swiped it away- and for a moment, he forgot all about the love crumpled to ash on the floor and the boy behind her that wasn’t really there. He remembered how she caged her emotions and spoke to him with soft words despite her naturally harsh nature- how she was the only person he had left and he was her only person. He remembered how Peter had begun to say less as Nebula said more- that maybe the universe was giving him a chance, a chance to be selfless and kind- an alien who had the worst past imaginable but knew nothing of the mess of his. A chance to start over.

A chance to make another friend in a companion- a chance to trust again, someone to rely upon on the unknown future draped in black.

He placed a comforting hand on her leather-tarnished shoulder, hoping she would feel comfort in spite of it being crafted out of metal- something to remind her of the permanent torture that she had endured at the hands of Thanos. “We’ll miss them together then.”

Nebula looked over at him, an odd flicker of warmth overtaking her as she nodded. “Together.”

She would never hear Peter Parker behind her, echoing her words with such determination like he had done those distant days ago- but Tony did, and he smiled at the word that seemed to unite them- the team that would never be.

He could handle the hurt that bruised his heart once more- because he knew that one of the answers were real, that the leather under his skin was real, that the ship taking him to the people left was real- that Peter Parker…

As if to prevent him from embracing the words, he noticed the view had significantly changed- and in a glance at the tech to notice that they were almost there. He managed to hold in a gasp at the sight- the land named Wakanda seeming almost vacant, and as they drew closer- he recognised green turf scattered in ash.

He noticed a broken building towering in the distance, managing to see a few people pour out of it, holding back a swear as he readied the ship to land- preparing himself to face the number of people that were left.

Steve Rogers admired the ship as it slowly neared, relief flooding through his veins at the sight. He had been eager to tell the rest of the remaining group of Tony’s return- unable to answer the mountain of questions piled upon him, the only thing he was certain of was that Tony Stark was alive and coming- and that was enough for some of them.

But the slither of hope that burned within the group was enough for them to almost rally up and prepare for his return- rushing out at the mere sight of the ship in the distance.

Everyone stood on the land; Steve, Rhodey, Thor, Rocket, Okoye, Bruce, Natasha- all standing in anticipation as the ship landed, the un-nerving silence remaining- nothing but the faint engine and anxious exhales audible.

It wasn’t a second before the back doors to the ship opened, two figures rising and walking towards the rest of the group- revealing the two occupants being Tony Stark and Nebula. Even as they walked with straightened backs and raised heads- the group seemed to immediately notice the hurt and damaged, dejected looks on their faces; a hurt that they had become so familiar with.

Tony seemed to examine each face- a strange buzz overtaking him as he noticed the familiar faces amongst the strangers, but then everything became too real as he realised those who were missing- seeing the broken looks on their features as he grew closer.

The two stopped a short distance away from the group- studying them for a moment in what seemed to be silence and awe, Nebula relieved to see one familiar face in the group. Yet no one knew what to say- fearful of the sight of only two being remained.

Even though he didn’t have the strength to say anything- he had the strength to move, Tony making a few strides towards his most precious friend as he wrapped his arms tightly around Rhodey.

It was only then that the tears were finally set free, trailing down his face and dampening the shoulder of his friend- a shoulder to cry on as everything suddenly crashed down upon him once more. He felt relieved, that the two of them were no longer alone- but the group of scattered heroes, old friends- his best friend trapped in his death grip reminded him of Peter Parker- reminded him of everything they had lost, and so much more that he was capable to lose.

The group seemed paralysed at the sound of the fleeting sobs that escaped him- none more than people who knew Tony before, the people who knew that crying wasn’t in Tony’s nature, that maybe, after everything- what caused Tony Stark to fall was when he didn’t.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry that it's taken so long- my real exams are coming up which is intense, but I hope i'll finish this book within a few more chapters before endgame, ah! thank you for sticking around and reading, tell me what you think! i'm actually really happy with this chapter even if it did take 5 months to complete.


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